Today is a good day for rest and reflection. After a week of significant highs and lows, I slept in this morning and woke up to a rather breathtaking scene outside: snow. Beautiful, thick snow falling softly to the ground, causing the ground outside my apartment to appear as a thick, untainted blanket. The weather is very fitting for how I'm feeling today, and only my Father could cause such a thing to occur. Not only did I wake up to the awe-inspiring scene just outside the door, but my towel was softer, my dog was more enjoyable (seems impossible), the cereal with the little marshmallows tasted better, and all other minute things around me don't seem so small.

The dermatologist who ordered my CT scan and ultrasound finally called on Thursday after two weeks of me waiting anxiously for an answer. Her timing wasn't ideal, but I was just glad to know it was her finally. I was on my way out the door to be in class on time, but my walk up the hill to school was put on hold when the phone rang. The doctor assured me that my kidneys and lungs were clear of any spots related to my disorder, but then she hesitated. The radiologist found a spot on my brain measuring about 5mm. There were actually two spots detected, but that one is the only one of any real concern at this point. Dr. Donovan told me that the spot isn't of extremely considerably size at this point, but now that it's been discovered, we need to keep a close watch on it. Since I'm 23 and never had any of these sort of tests run, there is no telling if this spot has been present for awhile, or if it's something new. She told me that I will need to have a CT scan done every six months for the next three years to make sure the spot is not growing. If we find that it is growing at any point, other steps will be taken to make sure that it does not cause further problems. Such a spot could put pressure on the brain or cause a number of other problems. She said the scan every six months is what should be done unless I start experiencing "other symptoms." I asked her what she meant by that, and she asked about headaches and that sort of thing. When I mentioned to her that I do have occasional headaches which aren't remedied by pain relievers, she encouraged me to get a primary care doctor set up as soon as possible and then get a referral to start seeing a neurologist. There is only so much Dr. Donovan can tell me since this isn't her area of specialty, so it is pretty important that I see a neurologist. In my state of shock while she was telling me all of this, I didn't think to ask her the location of the spot until after our conversation had ended. Not only did the news serve as more definite confirmation that I do in fact have tuberous sclerosis, but it brought to light one of the hardest things about being faced with this disorder. This is not something that will be remedied, never to show up internally ever again. I am going to be keeping a constant check on such occurrences, going through numerous scans and ultrasounds, for the rest of my life. The uncertainty of such manifestations as this spot on my brain is what scares me the most. What if something goes undetected? What if these spots continue to show up over and over again? I could drive myself over the edge consuming my thoughts with such questions.

I came home from Greek that night, after doing my best to focus and sit through over an hour of class discussion and lecture, went straight into my room and collapsed onto my bed. The tears began flowing, and before I knew it, I was sobbing beyond my control. All of the questions that had been going through my mind during class seemed to all come to a head, and I could contain my emotions no longer. After talking to my mom for a little while, the tears subsided enough for me to change clothes and move onto the couch. There was no noise in the room, just stillness, and for the first time all evening I heard the Lord. His words were so evident and fell on me as a blanket. "I placed this in you, and I've known this day would come since before time began. I am great, your Father, and you are my precious child. Rest in my arms." I spent the rest of the evening with my boyfriend, weeping and asking questions together. We were faced with one thing when I heard from the doctor that this disorder will more than likely be passed down to my children, but for me to be faced with this is an entirely different reality to stomach. I may not ever be able to tell him fully how much the Lord has amazed me by placing him in my life, but I was overwhelmed by the simple fact that I was not alone that night. The Lord has given me this precious person who aches and hurts because he can't make this go away. He wants to take care of me and be my hero, and he felt utterly powerless when we were sitting together on the couch. What he doesn't realize, though, is that him simply being there was exactly what I needed that night. By being there with me, sitting on the couch crying and wondering why, he was taking care of me and he was being my hero. The times when he feels weakest are the times I most often see him as strong because I can visibly see the Lord working in him. He wouldn't be my hero were he not a fragile vessel before the Lord. I am so undeserving of such love, but the Lord has seen fit for he and I to walk through this valley together. I would not trade that night with him on my couch for anything in the world.

Little did I know that the encouragement would continue the next day at work (yesterday). My dear friend and kindred spirit is an amazing contributor in my daily walk. It's no accident that we're so many miles and hours away, and yet the Lord has orchestrated our lives in such a way that we are able to write to each other everyday while we're both at work. She often reminds me of just how active the Lord is in daily growing us up into His image. She is faced daily with fibromyalgia and knows firsthand how difficult it can be somedays to do the simple task of getting up out of bed and making it through work. But through her own physical maladies, she ministers to me in speaking Scripture and reassurance. "All our bodies are in a constant state of deteriation...You just may be making a few more trips to the doctor than some people, but that doesn't mean you body is deteriorating any faster than ours. I also want you to know that you are not alone in having/finding things wrong with your body. And as we get older, it will only get worse. We have hope for eternity...No matter what happens outwardly, we have faith that God is faithful and is our Provider, of things on this earth and of heavenly things. We can be at peace no matter what happens on earth because we are certain of what is to come." That small excerpt of her words stayed with me throughout the day at work yesterday and have lingered into today.

The details, down to my very DNA, are so intricate. The Lord has ordained these things to be. My only response is that He is great, and He has given me each day. He has given me a man to walk with whose utmost desire is godliness, and he wants my ultimate good above my own selfish wants. I don't deserve any of this! I don't deserve a man who so humbly sees me through such pain, I don't deserve friends who speak words of truth over my life, and I don't deserve the overwhelming love which has been lavished over me.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, 'I believed, and so I spoke,' we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." ~2 Corinthians 4:7-18

"What's Your Theological Worldview?"

You scored as Reformed Evangelical.
You are a Reformed Evangelical. You take the Bible very seriously because it is God's Word. You most likely hold to TULIP and are sceptical about the possibilities of universal atonement or resistible grace. The most important thing the Church can do is make sure people hear how they can go to heaven when they die.

Reformed Evangelical 75%
Neo orthodox 64%
Fundamentalist 64%
Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 54%
Emergent/Postmodern 32%
Roman Catholic 29%
Charismatic/Pentecostal 25%
Classical Liberal 25%
Modern Liberal 7%

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when fears are stilled

"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light my strength my song
This Cornerstone, this Solid Ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled when strivings cease!
My Comforter my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone! - who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This Gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid:
Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Till he returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand!"
(Keith Getty & Stuart Townend 2001 Kingsway's Thankyou Music)

I've learned something about myself over the years regarding times of wonder and real or potential suffering. Those are the times in which the Lord most speaks to me through song. They are the moments in which I am incapable of forming the "right" words in prayer, so I'm often drawn to song even more than usual. This is just one of those. I've written a new song in the midst of it all, and been drawn to certain songs in a new way. Though I may suffer and walk through a season of uncertainty, Christ is victorious. In He alone my hope is found...and although there are moments when that is so difficult to claim, I wholeheartedly know it to be true.

HIGHER MOUNTAINS HAVE COME DOWN!!

I occasionally remember the days of living in Abilene with my roommates...on lazy days the three of us (or at least the two of us that shared a wall) would sprawl on my bed and listen to music all afternoon and night. Or if there was a particular song we liked, we'd listen to it over and over and over again (especially the roommate I didn't share the wall with). But I look back on those days at times and think of where the Lord has brought me and how even then He was preparing me for now. And now He's preparing for whatever lies ahead, circumstances only He knows which have been ordained since before the world came into being.

There was a particular song we listened to many, many times not long before I entered my senior year of college. It crossed my mind about two days ago out of the blue, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. The song is by Jars of Clay, and it's been on my heart in the midst of the dark times a dear friend if mine is going through right now. Even now, thinking about the lyrics and thinking of what he's going through, I'm almost moved to tears sitting here at my work desk.

"You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I’m crying out to you
(Chorus)I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
When death like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear you aren’t listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
(Chorus)
Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
(Chorus)
Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia"

I can't fix the problem. I can't say the right words or snap my fingers for everyone to live happily ever after. But one thing I know---there is One who holds the future; there is One who knows our very thoughts, whose Spirit leads in truth...and He is the Father who loves and causes all things to work together according to His perfect will. I've not quickly held to such truth in recent days (weeks)...but that by no means makes it less true. It's painful to watch a brother going through such agony, and in that pain there is only One to whom I can cling.

say a prayer tonight

"To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye...
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough...
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering
(chorus)
When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus, Cry to Jesus
(chorus)
To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight..." --Third Day--


I have dear friends who are going through a very dark valley right now and honestly...well, there are times when I don't have the words, and as I'm driving to my usual day of work, the Lord intervenes and I hear this song on the radio that I've heard many times before. He so often speaks quietly through song when my spirit is weak and I'm utterly speechless. Praise the Lord, O my soul...

He can move mountains

I'm sitting here at work on a Saturday, wishing I was somewhere else...preferrably laying on my couch, wrapped up in a blanket, watching a movie or reading a book, and loving on my puppy dog. But, such isn't the case. I'm here and feeling like I could fall asleep, even though there's plenty to keep me occupied. So I thought I'd take a little Coke break and write a bit of what's been on my mind the past few days.

As a final assignment in my theology class, we were asked to right a 3-page paper on the Scripture passages Dr. Ware asked us to meditate on this last half of the semester. Since we went from the doctrine of Scripture into the doctrine of God, the two passages were Psalm 145 and Isaiah 40. I have found myself increasingly humbled, speechless, amazed by the Lord this semester, and it was no accident that these were the passages I was asked to spend time reflecting upon. In this reflection paper, I talked about the trip to Texas for Thanksgiving which is quickly approaching. I wasn't exactly expecting to write about what I did, but it was apparent that something very specific was heavy on my heart and flowed out of me as soon as I began typing.

"As Thanksgiving has so quickly approached, I have grown increasingly anxious to see my family. My relation to certain family members is one of the primary areas of my life in which I am left without words as to how I should pray. The common insinuation among certain individuals is that I am arrogant and “all-knowing” simply because I have focused my studies in the areas of theology and ministry. I have “all the answers” and no one is allowed to disagree because I know everything about everything...the Lord has graciously opened up many opportunities in recent years for us to have loving conversation about Him and His work. Just last year around Thanksgiving...One afternoon my mom received a phone call from my great aunt telling her that my second cousin had attempted to end his own life... Such an event clearly led our family into a whirlwind of confusion and chaos...but in the midst of the pain, my great aunt has peace. She has peace because the Lord is faithful. Through ceaseless prayer and crying out, “God, why? Why did this happen to my son?” He showed her that He is sovereign and He is sufficient...I bring all of this to light because such a transformation is not even understood or grasped by some in my family. The Lord ordained an event through which He wooed my aunt to Himself, and I now share such a sweet bond of fellowship with her, even though this all took place shortly before my move. We both come to a text and lay hold of the truth:
--Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand
and marked off the heavens with a span,
enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure
and weighed the mountains in scales
and the hills in a balance?
Who has measured the Spirit of the LORD,
or what man shows him his counsel?
Whom did he consult,
and who made him understand?
Who taught him the path of justice,
and taught him knowledge,
and showed him the way of understanding? (Is 40:12-14)--
When I speak of God’s sovereignty, of His grace, I would not say that I am faced with mere ridicule. There is a deeper sense of contempt with the way in which I converse about the Lord, or the popular one is that I am still young and have yet to experience “real life,” thus making me still very naïve and idealistic in my view of God and the world. Such common feelings invade my mind each time I get closer to seeing them again, wondering what the holidays will have in store. There are so many ways in which I am distant from them, and even though such are manifested as practical differences, I know that the root is in relation to the Lord. Many in my family claim knowledge of God, but I am often left in wonder as to whether or not they truly know Him. Above and beyond anyone’s opinion, I am fully aware of the truth that I am a prideful and sinful creature. As stated previously, I often feel distanced from my family. Although I know why, the truth of the matter still makes me sad at times. I am saddened that I do not hold a common faith, even when some may claim otherwise...I constantly pray when around them that the Lord will show Himself through me and that any selfish intentions of mine will fade away. I know that I am selfish, and because of that I know that my disagreements may have such motives, but I desire that the Lord be glorified when I am in their midst...The last thing I want is for my family to be like me, to imitate me. I desire that they know Him, and may He be gracious in using my frail, sinful self as an instrument for His glory."

Some of those feelings have been constant as far back as I can remember, but are altered somewhat as I grow older. There have been years when I've been angry, when I've been frustrated by not understanding, years when I've felt very lonely and isolated, but this year is somewhat different. How can I not be thankful for my family when the Lord has clearly used my relationships with them to grow and refine my dependence on Him?? I love them dearly, and with that love comes great burden. I am insufficient, and only He can intercede and work through my weakness. Only He can move mountains...

With water...

The Church(words and music by derek webb)

i have come with one purpose
to capture for myself a bride
by my life she is lovely
by my death she’s justified
i have always been her husband
though many lovers she has known
so with water i will wash her
and by my word alone
so when you hear the sound of the water
you will know you’re not alone
(chorus)‘cause i haven’t come for only you
but for my people to pursue
you cannot care for me with no regard for her
if you love me you will love the church
i have long pursued her
as a harlot and a whore
but she will feast upon me
she will drink and thirst no more
so when you taste my flesh and my blood
you will know you’re not alone
(chorus)
there is none that can replace her
though there are many who will try
and though some may be her bridesmaids
they can never be my bride
(chorus)

A Sweet Memory

The fact that we are limited creatures doesn't sound so exciting to some, but there are unexpected (and unexpected because of our limits!) moments when the Lord reminds you of how precious and glorious He is. Do you ever expect to be driving, in a hurry for that matter, to work and He bring something to mind so wonderful that it moves you to tears?
Memories can be bittersweet, and such a memory for me is of my grandmother. Over a year has passed since she left this place and there are not many experiences that have been more beautiful in my life than when she passed away. My grandmother and I had this indescribable bond that joined our hearts from as far back as I can remember. When I think of any individuals, particularly in my own family, who have radiated Christ, she is often one of, if not the, first one who pops into my mind. She is the woman I have always looked to as a godly wife, woman of gentle and quiet grace, and one who treasured the Lord more deeply than any earthly things.
Today I was driving to work, in a hurry, and a song came on the radio. It's one I've heard several times but have never actually listened to. The song is Bart Millard's remake of the old hymn, "In the Sweet By and By," with the same chorus but new verses. So this song came on the radio and this is what it says:

"Seven years old upon my knees/On the third row pew, trying to see My grandmamma sing In the Sweet By and By/ It wasn't the sweetest soundin' thing/ But there's somethin' about when grandmamma sang/ That moved your feet, stirred something up inside/ To see her grin from ear to ear/ One thing for sure was very clear/ This wasn't just a song/ It was her life// (chorus) In the sweet by and by/ We shall meet on that beautiful shore/ In the sweet by and by/ We shall meet on that beautiful shore// Now times have changed to say the least/ My grandmamma's voice , a memory/ Just like the old song said, she's on that shore/ And if she's looking down on me/ I hope she's proud of what she sees/ Cause thanks to her I'm walkin' with the Lord/ Oh to hear her once again/ Wrap herself around that hymn/ Lord, If I could just go back once more// (chorus)// There's a land that is fairer than day/ By faith we can see it afar/ For the Father waits over the way/ To prepare us a dwelling place there/ Oh I can hear her singing along..."

This sudden, overwhelming feeling of gratitude overcame me, and I began to cry. She was so precious, and I'm not sad that she's no longer here, but when I do think of her, I can only hope that my life even resembles such a woman of quiet, gentle grace. She was a godly wife, and she just loved Him, and treasured Him far more than any earthly things. "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior. . . .They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled"(Titus 2:3-5). That was her life. And I do miss hearing her sing from time to time...

help us, our God

March 31, 2005. Today is one I pray will not be too quickly forgotten, but one that will remain in the hearts of the people who dwell in this nation. Terri Schiavo passed away this morning after a battle that literally has our country split down the middle. Fox News had a poll up today that showed 54% of the people supporting the removal of the feeding tube as an act of mercy on Terri's behalf. This situation leaves far too many open-ended questions for me to hope that the battle stops here now that she has passed away. There are pertinent issues leading up to her condition over the past fifteen years that remain a mystery, even when certain sources claim they know "what Terri would've wanted." There is speculation over the desired privacy coming from her husband that is a wonder, raising suspicion as to why he wouldn't want her own family in the hospice room while she was deteriorating and then, ultimately, at the time of her death. There are countless questions to be considered and that need answers in order for this case to come to rest. I pray that those seeking the truth will not stop fighting, but will continue demanding the truth in which only true freedom can be found...

I came across an interesting correllation today that seems worthy of mention in discussing the battle over Terri Schiavo: Pope John Paul II. As America has watched Terri die a slow and horrific death over the past 13 days due to have her feeding tube removed, the Pope has had his fair share of health problems with the final results still pending. While the courts have ordered Terri's feeding tube to be removed, and the families' pleas to have it reinserted have been turned down, Pope John Paul II has not only had a tracheaotomy in recent weeks, but he now has a nasal feeding tube in hopes of aiding in recovery. I am not bringing this up to state any type of speculations, but this is just an example of the Terri Schiavo case setting some sort of precedent for the field of medicine in the days and years to come.
"Dr. Barbara Paris, director of geriatrics at Maimonides Medical Center in New York, said the tube may be just a temporary measure to boost John Paul's nutrition while he continues his recovery. But she said it could also be the first step toward having a more permanent feeding tube inserted directly into his stomach.
That procedure, known as PEG — percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy — involves making an incision in the abdomen so a tube can be passed directly into the stomach." (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,151886,00.html)

As countless Americans can attest, I will never forget the events of September 11, 2001. I've heard those from my parents' generation and up say they will never forget exactly where they were at and the events of the day President Kennedy was assassinated. Similarly, many of us can remember 9/11 in such a way. Remembering where you were at when you heard the news, blurred feelings of confusion, helplessness, and the list continues. It was also the night of the week when Grace Bible Study was held, the college Bible study that has been held in Abilene since the 90s. Grace still took place, and I remember the atmosphere being...heavy. I bring this up because one of the songs we sang that night is one that has been resounding in my head throughout the course of the day. And at this point, it is the only prayer my heart and mouth can utter:
Help us, our God, help us, our Savior
For the glory of Your name, for the glory of Your kingdom
Deliver us, and atone for our sins
Deliver us, and forgive all our sins
Help us, our God, we come to You desperately needy
Help us, our God, may Your mercy come quickly to meet us
Help us, our God, help us, our God,
Help us, our God, for Your namesake
Help us, our God


Lord, come quickly, and Lord, forgive us all...

the purpose behind the pursuit

A conversation just ended between myself and a former peer. We attended the same university, were in over half the same classes, had the same major and emphasis, and there was a day that has long since passed when we were very similar. I began my undergraduate work as an independent woman, ready to face the world and stand with my head held high as a confident career woman. I was one devoted to academia, diving into books and acquiring knowledge like a kid in a candy store. Not only was I a good school student, but I could spout of Scripture left and right for anyone asking for a reference. Does this all sound good so far? Maybe so, but here's the dilemma when I read over what I've just written and think back on such times...me.
All that is necessary is to look over past assignments and journals I devoted all my energy and life to and you can see a pretty good picture of idolatry. Such a word may cause some to squirm in their seats and maybe such uneasiness is good. Please don't hear me saying that books and writing in personal journals are bad things. I am one with a disposition for such outlets, and such are gifts from the Lord. But when the focus, the purpose, is not the very Giver of such gifts, we run into a serious problem. We work and study and work and seek and work and work and work and work...
"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for He gives to His beloved sleep." ~Psalm 127:1-2
So the question I had to answer was not in regards to how I was holding up in my classes, but how my self-motivation was surviving. Such striving eats away at your very soul, and in such striving there is no life to be found. I can read renowned and well-loved authors all day only to lie awake in the dark of the night, staring at the ceiling, wondering why I feel so empty. I can proudly quote a Scripture reference for every issue you throw my way, but let's take a glimpse at Scripture itself for revelling in such knowledge of the text.
"You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to Me that you may have life." ~John 5:39-40
I am not saying that such idolatry is not still a very real struggle. As a matter of fact, the word "sponge" was referenced by the one person who probably knows me best regarding such struggle just this past week. Yes, sponge...that which is absorbed stays until it is squeezed so hard, there's nothing left to do but for everything to be released. I acquire all these things and instead of bringing forth joy and life, everything eventually comes to a head and I find myself sitting in utter exhaustion.
I want to be a good student and writer, yet He's telling me to be still. I want I want, I want...and my wants are so loud that I eventually lose my voice. This is when it becomes blatantly clear that I have put myself before Him, and that which I don't want to do I've inevitable done (Romans 7).
My confession is admitting that I do not continually seek Him above all things. In the light of His glory and grace, all achievements and striving are petty and lifeless. I am quickly approaching the transition from post-undergraduate to actually pursuing my masters degree. The Lord has already brought me to a place drastically different than where I was at during college. My prayer is that He be glorified in every detail of every assignment, in each paragraph I read. May I only dive into the academic world again so that I may continue drinking deeply from the fountain of grace. May He alone grant wisdom and understanding, as such can only come from Him.

trying things out

I'm trying this out to see how I like it.