confession in the midst of seeing and savoring

My response to the reading of Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ has been delayed, and for no excusable reason. I came to the close of the book last Tuesday and hesitated to immediately sit down and take note of my initial thoughts on the reading. Although a week has since passed, I have actually been able to spend a lengthy amount of time reflecting on Piper’s words.
The Lord brought me to a point of confession in the midst of reading Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ. There is something in my life I have been aware of for some time now, and that something was not fully exposed to the light until I began reading this particular book. I find it amazing how glaring those hidden and secret sins become when one spends time meditating solely on Jesus Christ. Everything the Lord has been doing in my life this semester came to a sort of pinnacle as I unhurriedly read Piper’s little book. This is not to say that Piper’s words are what changed me—the Lord spoke through His words to me and revealed truth I had previously not faced.
I confess that I do not meditate on Jesus Christ. This is something I must confess openly and honestly. And because I do not meditate on Jesus Christ, I must ask myself, “Do I truly believe what I say I believe?” Do I believe that He suffered and endured the cross to the glory of His Father? Do I believe that He is merciful and that I can come before the throne of grace with confidence? I say such things, I know such Scripture reference, but do I really believe? I know that the answer is “yes,” but my time spent with Him would not reflect such a definite response. I never hesitate to read such books as Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ, but do I sincerely see and savor Him?
Meditation, spending time with Him and His Word, is not something I desire out of mere obligation or duty. Such discipline, duty, or whatever other term you prefer, should be a desire of delight and love for Him. I long to dwell in His presence, spend quiet nights alone with Him, because I love Him. He alone is my Savior, He alone has given me breath, and He alone deserves all of me.
I am prone to fall into the trap of routine. It works for me, and I’m quite good at going through the motions of the everyday grind, especially when my schedule includes school, a church I enjoy, and a job that works well with everything else on my plate. Then I get home at night wondering why I’m so exhausted… I am not talking about merely being tired after a full day of being busy, but being truly weary. Then I wonder why I don’t have the energy left to read or write in my journal before falling asleep. Such weariness comes from not savoring Jesus Christ. If I truly savored Him I wouldn’t be able to get enough of Him, just as one in love cannot seem to spend enough time with his or her Beloved.
That is where I am at now. I deeply desire to dwell in His presence, and that begins through confessing with my mouth and heart that I am desperately in need of Him. I want to know Him as my Savior, my Sustainer, my Groom.
“Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:11-16