131 Days ~ he knows good music

For reasons unknown, I was never a huge fan of Bebo Norman. I'm not exactly sure why considering the obvious gift of music he possesses. But this weekend, Bob and I had a "moment." He has started compiling music on his iPod that we know we want played at the reception, and included was a song I had not previously heard. This song reflects our relationship in such a unique way. I responded in a manner similar to when I listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's "What I Really Want To Say." Writing comes easily to me, but voicing the sum of my feelings seems nothing short of impossible at times. So as I sat on my couch with tears streaming down my face, I decided that I am a Bebo fan after all...

To Find My Way to You

"Well I can’t find the words to say

Just to make, make this go way

So you just bleed and I can’t sleep tonight

‘Cause it’s hard to see just what you mean

Across the lines that bring your voice to me

But I can hear your every tear when you cry

And, oh love, when you say to me

That your heart breaks every time I leave

I would set out across the sea

Just to find my way to you

Well I don’t know which way to go

So I search the stars, basking in the glow

But they all fall down without a sound from the sky

Well I still can’t find the words to say

But you, my love, love me anyway

So just go to sleep, and my heart will keep the time

‘Cause, oh love, when you say to me

That my kiss is the breath you breathe

I would wake up from a thousand dreams

Just to find my way to you"

134 Days ~ "Tune my heart to sing Thy grace"

This post serves to inform my faithful readers that my fiance' has finally posted a new entry on his blog!! WARNING: Yours truly started the rant to which he refers; he is simply more systematic in discussion of the issue. Follow the link below to his post:

http://nottherighteous.blogspot.com/2007/08/righting-rights-and-writing-wrongs.html

138 Days ~ It's starting to sink in

I drove to David's Bridal as fast as I could yesterday after church. Fifteen minutes later, I was walking back out of the store with a particularly heavy garment bag. The only word I can muster for how it felt to walk out with dress in hand was giddy. I wanted to call everyone I knew to tell them that I had finally made the last payment on my wedding gown (and some of you I did call!). My sweet friend and bridesmaid Eryn is letting me keep it at her place for the next few months. She was with me when I found the dress back in June and cried with me when I turned around and saw my reflection in the mirror. I've been so thankful for the sweet friendship that has been developing this past year, thankful that she is one I can call on a total whim for such things as going to see "Becoming Jane" (if you're a girl and love Jane Austen, go see the movie!).
Eryn is also a sweet reminder of home. While Bob's side of the wedding party is represented here in Louisville, Eryn is the only one of my girls who is able to be here with me week to week as plans are beginning to come together. It makes me all the more antsy for the next few months and for when I finally get to travel down to Texas and see the rest of my family and friends for the glorious celebration!

152 Days ~ Fun is Bowling at Lucky Strike!

The other Jenn won a free night of bowling downtown at Lucky Strike a couple of weeks ago. Not only is it a great atmosphere complete with couches and a fun menu, but the bowling alley is right in the midst of 4th Street Live (the area downtown blocked off for outdoor shopping and restaurants. This was the second time I was invited to join a group for free bowling at Lucky Strike - I guess that means I have some really *lucky* friends (either that or they just bowl better than I do...)

The key to winning a free game of bowling for you and your friends is to land a strike when the front pin is lit with a red light. As you can see, these people really like their lights! You can barely even make out the arrows on the floor because the lighting is so crazy~

Joe is pretty much the king of bowling in my closer circle of friends. He's the one who landed the very first free night of bowling, only to have Jenn win her own party during the fun event.

This is where I pause in the midst of all the fun bowling pictures and make mention of the men in the above picture - Joe, Andrew, and Bob. They have been close friends since college, and the two moved up here (along with another friend of ours, the best man in our wedding, who was unable to attend the bowling party) a year after us to attend seminary. I have personally been blessed to see how they have not only grown as godly men individually, but to also witness how their friendship has continued to grow and sharpen one another. I am encouraged by how diligent they remain in spurring one another on, whether during days of celebration or times of simply needing a friend in close proximity to lean upon.

In one sense the days draw closer...in another sense, five months is a lengthy amount of time in which I'm learning great patience...

Thankful for the old friends and the new!! Brian accepted the invitation to join in our wedding day as one of Bob's groomsmen. The day would not be the same without him there (he is uncle to Nali and Maia after all).

Jenn and Rachel~ Jenn works diligently alongside some of the guys at a job that often proves difficult in matters of enjoyment. She is one of those girls whom I know is a kindred spirit and wish I could spend much more time with than the Lord sees fit during this particular season. (Rachel was in town until starting the fall semester back up. Her father is a professor of theology at Southern and she comes in each summer to spend time with the family. We were glad to meet her and enjoy some good bowling time!)

Nothing to note except for the fact that I absolutely love this picture. I still have a hard time believing that I actually get to marry him in just five months~

157 Days ~ Wisdom from a Newlywed

In her ongoing blog, Christine is answering questions geared toward her first month of marriage. I was so moved, encouraged, and challenged by her response to a particular question that I asked her permission to post her response here:

• Anon. asked:Just wondering... but as another self-described "independent
  woman," I find myself wanting to know which parts of the engaged/married
  experience (so far) have been the most trying for a woman who had been used to
  making her own decisions in every area without having to submit to another human
  being in each of them. I think it will be very difficult for me to adjust to
  that, given that I've been living on my own since 1999. Have you experienced
  frustration or fear or similar feelings along the way? Has it been harder or
  easier than you expected to live in Biblical "coupledom"? Or is it, frankly, too
  soon to tell?
• Christine responds:A month or so before I left the United States
  for Germany I was reading over my vows and was hit by this portion:
  I
  promise, by God's grace, as He enables me to submit to you and to obey you in
  everything, as I do to the Lord. I recognize you as my head, even as Christ is
  the head of the church. In so doing I resolve to put my trust in God and not
  give way to fear. The weight of this statement overwhelmed and humbled me to the
  point of tears. I realized then that I could not give into fear because
  ultimately my trust was not in Mike but in God. Mike will eventually fail me and
  disappoint me and I will do the same to him! At that moment I realized that I did
  have fear in my life: fear that Mike would disappoint me and not live up to an
  unreasonably high standard. Could I place myself under him knowing this?! But who
  am I? I, too, am a sinner. I, too, will disappoint. To expect more of Michael
  than his human limitations would be to make him god. And if I clung to him in
  desperation and he failed me, my world would fall apart leading to resentment
  and then bitterness. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." This is what
  drove me to tears: this vision of the monster I could become, gripped by the
  sins of idolatry and bitterness, wounding others because I myself had been
  wounded. It was at this moment that I knew I had to reject this idolatry and
  cling to God and his provisions and perfect goodness. When Mike somehow
  disappoints me I am now free to joyfully show him grace and forgiveness. Instead
  of resenting Mike, I hope in Christ and repent of my own sinful behavior. I am
  thankful that this transformation of the mind took place before our wedding. As
  a result, it has been an incredibly smooth transition into living together in
  grace and love.
  

163 Days ~ she knows me well

No, I don't talk to my wedding binder like it's Wilson, the volleyball in "Castaway," but it's definitely comforting to utilize and carry around as a reminder of my bestest friend and matron of honor. She made a wedding binder for herself two years ago and enjoyed it so much that she has made one for her closest, engaged friends ever since! As you can see from the photos, she went along with my red color scheme to personalize it all the more, and included some things I would not have even thought of. The binder is complete with a customized six-month calendar, a checklist organized by month, and plenty of dividers and pockets all to help me keep my head on straight (if at all possible). If organization is ever a spiritual gift, then she is surely gifted! This is not just a binder that I casually picked up at Hallmark, but rather one that my dearest friend took the time to put together for her dearest friend's most important day. Such a gift is indicative of how well she knows me, and just how much she desires to help in whatever ways such a close friend can. I love you, friend - "to infinity and beyond!"

165 Days...Saying "I Love You"

'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his
wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is
profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the
church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the
wife see that she respects her husband. ~Ephesians 5:31-33

Who knows how many times I've read, "This mystery is profound." I could not even begin to understand, or see a glimmer of, the depth and wondrous mystery of marriage apart from entering into such preparation. Both my heart and mind have been increasingly overwhelmed at the changes that are and will occur in my life. Any believer can attest to the truth in such passages as Ephesians 5, and even Philippians 2 when it comes to putting the interests of another above his or her own, but then one reads it with marriage in view. Regardless of the various nonverbal responses from others, I am more than thankful that my fiance' and I waited this long to become engaged. Yes, there were seasons (some longer than others) when I questioned and grew impatient in waiting for the day when he would, Lord-willing, ask me of all the women on this earth to be his wife. I can say without a doubt that this man is my best friend. He is my best friend, knows me better than anyone else, and still loves me. Apart from all that encompasses my relationship with Christ, I don't know of any other reality more humbling than this. Most people do not know this, but we rarely said "I love you" during the four years of our dating relationship. I can probably count on one hand the times when we looked into each others eyes and uttered those words. We were both always hesitant, not because we ever doubted our love for one another, but because our lives are solely in the Lord's hands. My medical problems last year revealed such truth to us more than ever, and that time early last year is one of my most vivid memories of him looking at me and telling me that he loved me regardless of what the Lord brought our way. I asked him one day last week when he knew, when he really knew that I was the one he desired to marry. He did not hesitate to tell me that it was last year during that difficult time, a time that clearly affected me individually, as well as our relationship. Can anyone describe the comfort that comes from such a realization? Can anyone explain just how wonderful and indescribable it is to know that he knew I was the one during what has been the worst season of my life to date? I cannot fully express how profound all of this is. When I am tempted to get caught up in the plans of the wedding, when I am prone to anxiety, there is a comfort beyond words that helps me persevere. That comfort is that the mystery is profound; the mystery of marriage and how it so intimately reflects Christ and the church is profound. The display of Christ's love for His church is undeserved and should move us to tears of both praise and humility.

Call me overly-sentimental...

Call me whatever you wish, but I cannot imagine myself ever being a candidate for the current "Trash Your Wedding Dress" trend. If you are unfamiliar with the concept, the title speaks for itself: photographers being paid to take pictures of wives, post-wedding, in their wedding gowns. These are not your standard portraits, but rather ones with the sole purpose of letting the bride trash her dress. Reasoning? She has no desire to stick the dress in a closet. After all, she will never wear it again.

Trash the Dress is only one of several sites where you will find photographers advertising such an opportunity for women to have these photos taken. The following is taken directly from their site:

Go ahead, you know you want to. Trash it. Get it dirty. Get it wet. Roll around in the mud. Drench it in the ocean. Totally trash it. Why? … Why not? You’ve
made a commitment to your husband. He’s your one and only true
love, right? Then you’ll never need the dress again. And no, your daughter
won’t wear it in 20-30 years. So you have two choices:
1) Suffocate it in
plastic and throw it in a closet

2) Show your husband how committed you are by trashing the dress, and get
some great fun pictures while you do it!
Then after you do it- send the pictures to us to publish for all the
world to see. What are you waiting on? Call one of the trusted photographers
on this page or find one you trust and go trash the dress!

One should not be terribly surprised that such a trend exists. Not only do we live in a culture that devalues and often misses the entire purpose of sacred marriage, but some also read less into sentiment than others. Anyone who knows me will attest that I hold the value of such things quite close. I am not a lover of material possessions, but I also have my own marriage ceremony coming up in just over five months in which I will walk down the aisle in a gown that means more to me than a mere article of clothing. I cannot simply toss it aside once the ceremony and festivities have subsided. How can I discard something that will forever remind me of such a day? I do not take lightly the value of such a gown, nor any of the other details of the ceremony. All are intended to reflect this central truth - Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her. He did not do so out of the Church's own merit, but rather makes His Beloved pure and spotless before a living and holy God. "Oh, I'll never wear it again," and "I know my daughter won't want to wear it when her day arrives" fall short as valid reasons for deciding to take photos of yourself sitting in a swamp or even looking mysterious under the surface of murky lake water. Again, some may disagree, but I see a most symbolic gown cheapened by the mere desire to rid oneself of such so-called clutter.

"You make me want to be brave"

(photo courtesy of hallmark.com)

The gate is wide

The road is paved in moderation

The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in

Welcome to the middle ground

You're safe and sound and

Until now it's where I've been

'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything

But it's been love,

Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo

I think I just let go

You make me want to be brave

The way it always was

Is no longer good enough

You make me want to be brave

Brave, brave

I am small

And I speak when I'm spoken to

But I am willing to risk it all

I say Your name

Just Your name and I'm ready to jump

Even ready to fall...

Why did I take this vow of compromise?

Why did I try to keep it all inside?

Chorus

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame

Every storm will start with just a drop of rain

But if you believe in me

That changes everything

Chorus

~N. Nordeman~

Food, Glorious Food!

I think it's safe to say that we went all out for the 4th of July celebration. There were only four of us, yet my fiance' managed to buy enough food that would seemingly last until the end of time! My dad came into town for a few days, and one of Bob's closest friends joined us for the royal feast.

The kabobs turned out the best and they were so pretty! Four steaks followed the kabobs on the grill, as well as seasoned corn on the cob. I wish I would have taken a picture of my neighbors' shindig - they were grilling veggie burgers...VEGGIE burgers on the 4th of July! I think that should be outlawed...

And here are the men in all their glory, proudly displaying the fruits (meats) of their hard labor. Don't worry, I didn't just take pictures! I was hard at work on the salad and roasted potatoes. I would have taken pictures, but as you can see from this picture, my kitchen gives off a very odd yellow color...not very pretty... but there is nothing quite like roasting some seasoned red potatoes in a blazing gas oven!

I couldn't resist taking a picture of the girls. Nali hung out on the porch with all of us (probably wondering if she was going to get some extra special treat for good behavior). And where is the other one you ask? See below...Maia gets a little nervous in unfamiliar environments, so she steered clear of the grills and the occasional boom of fireworks nearby.

My fiance' and I are still trying to master the art of self portraits (PandaMom, you are still the queen!) I love this picture I took of us! I would have liked it better if I hadn't crammed my eye up against the side of his face... Oh well, he likes me anyway, lazy eye and all!

My dad and I had a great time together. Neither of us were in the mood to go out and do a ton of things while he was here. We simply enjoyed the time spent together, went out to eat a couple of times, and of course he was able to give some guidance to us newbies at the grill!

But what was for dessert after our magnificent spread on Wednesday? Oh yes, that was all mine. I slaved away for a whole ten minutes on the beauty that is strawberry shortcake. A perfect final touch to a relaxing day of fun and fellowship!

the written version

We were "supposed" to have a double date with our friends Joe and Sarah last Tuesday night. Joe is college friend who is also in seminary with us now; they're getting married in Dallas this weekend, and all the gang minus myself are driving down for the occasion. We wanted to do one last nice date night, so the guys were saving up for the steak night for awhile. Well... the double date never was a double date. However, Joe played it up, called me, and said they had to cancel at the last minute. I called Bob and told him, and we decided to still go even though they would not be able to join us. So we drove downtown all dressed up (I'm the goof who didn't bring her camera) and walked into this EXQUISITE steakhouse. (If you listen to the news, it's the one O.J. was asked to leave during Derby weekend.) My man let me order a petite filet and we ended the meal with some ridiculously divine chocolate dessert. I then recommended that we go for a walk, not knowing at the time that I was playing right into Bob's hands! The sky over the Ohio River was breathtaking. There was a huge storm heading our way, but it was still far off in the distance. The sun was setting behind it, and we could see the rays beaming from behind the dark clouds. I was so enamored that I was clueless as to how frantically Bob was trying to find us a place to go. I then, again playing into his hands, suggested that we go sit down somewhere as my feet don't do well in dress shoes. We found an unoccupied park bench facing the river, framed by the two river bridges, with that magnificent storm as the backdrop. No sooner had we sat down Bob turns to me and says, "Well, I have a confession to make. Joe and Sarah came and ate here last night." My response was nothing more than a rather confused expression. He then proceeded to tell me that they came to scope out the riverfront for him, and that I was beginning to find myself in the middle of a pre-planned scheme. As I am sitting there with my mouth hanging open in utter confusion (attractive, I know), trying to assess what in the world is going on, Bob reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a handwritten letter. One of my "natural highs" in life is a handwritten letter, and considering Bob has never handwritten more than a sweet note to me, my brain began turning to mush when he asked me to read it. I got to the third line and started crying... He informed me as I was reading that he had about thirty drafts sitting at home, signifying that he spent a substantial amount of time writing what he truly wanted to say. The only way I know to describe the moment is that it was completely surreal. I honestly asked myself if I was dreaming, if this was really happening. As I am thinking all of this I get to the last line of the letter where he humbly asks for my hand in marriage. I put my hand to my face, unable to control the tears, as he kneels on the ground and asks me, "Jennifer, will you marry me?" I managed to say "of course!" and all I could do was hug him. I was crying so much, and in such disbelief, that I didn't even see the ring when he first placed it on my finger. The entire proposal was a complete surprise. Even my parents were impressed by how well he was able to plan the event without dropping any hints to which I may catch on. As often occurs in hindsight, I was able to quickly look back to little things over the next six months that may have caused me to wonder, but Bob's just that good.

I went home after the proposal and reread his letter. How in the world did I
come to this place, where the Lord was gracious enough to place this man in my
life? As I write this, I still have trouble believing that all of this is really
happening. After years of attending the weddings of all my closest friends, I am
having to wrap my brain around the fact that this is my wedding I am planning.
But, oh, so much more than that. More than the wedding, planning for pretty
dresses and what everyone will eat at the reception, one thing stays primary in
my thoughts: I get to marry him. I get to marry him! I look in his eyes and try
to believe the wonderful reality that I will be looking into those same eyes in
twenty years. I look at him and I am all the more amazed by this great mystery
that is marriage. I have found myself, moreso than ever before, reciting the
words of my favorite song, and I find it increasingly more impossible to fight
back the tears. And do you know what is so glorious about such tears? There is
no reason to fight them. This day that every girl anticipates will arrive in six
short months, and I am continually drawn to thinking on how precious our Lord
is. He has taken me, this broken and sinful little girl, and prepared me for
this indescribable union.

The Church
I have come with one purpose

to capture for Myself a bride

by My life she is lovely

by My death she’s justified

I have always been her Husband

though many lovers she has known

so with water I will wash her

and by My Word alone

so when you hear the sound of the water

you will know you’re not alone

chorus

cause I haven’t come for only you

but for My people to pursue

you cannot care for Me with no regard for her

if you love Me you will love the Church

I have long pursued heras a harlot and a whore

but she will feast upon Me

she will drink and thirst no more

so when you taste My flesh and my blood

you will know you’re not alone

chorus
there is none that can replace her

though there are many who will try

and though some may be her bridesmaids

they can never be My bride

chorus

may the picture speak for itself...

Texas Gals Visit the Land of Bluegrass

This past week was a nice break from my usual work schedule. My mom and aunt came to visit! I only worked Monday and Tuesday, and they stayed through Saturday. One never quite knows what's in store when you get these ladies together... Wednesday was spent in Cincinnati and Newport. We were in the city for my annual appointment at the TS Clinic and stopped by Newport for some sun and seafood on the way back to Louisville.

Thursday was spent at the Downs: Churchill Downs. What was originally intended as a visit to the museum, complete with tours and a stop by the gift shop, turned out to be a full day! A valet handed us three free tickets for seats to the afternoon races that included our own personal waitress, flat screen TVs in case our seats still weren't satisfactory (trust me, they were), and freedom to go pretty much wherever we wanted! No no no, we did not bet on the races, but they were still fun to watch. The horse I rooted for was named "Goes"...yes, that was his name - how original.

This is how close we were to the action! It was pretty thrilling to hear the din of voices around us cheering for their favorites as these beautiful creatures tore past the finish line. My mom and aunt were raised riding horses, and my mom now actually owns one! I think this was a unique and memorable experience for them.

Oh, but the fun didn't stop after the Downs! We met up with my boyfriend afterwards and headed to Rocky's Italian Grill for dinner (see below for the picture from where we sat on the river). The weather was perfect: so perfect we didn't want the evening to end, so we managed to save room for dessert.

Ever since my car accident last month, I have gone back and forth with being somewhat homesick. I looked forward to my mom's visit for weeks, just to have her nearby so that I could hug her and so that she could see that everything worked out just as it was intended. We had a very relaxing visit, and we're already planning what to do when she visits next year!

Like a shadow declining

swiftly away . . . away . . .

like the dew of the morning

gone with the heat of the day;

like the wind in the treetops,

like a wave of the sea,

so are our lives on earth when seen

in the light of eternity.

p.18 of Ruth Bell Graham's Collected Poems

Four Then and Four to Come

I was tagged by my friend at Pandapalooza to do this meme. I haven't done this one, nor do I participate on a regular basis. Here is how this one works: You share four things that were new to you in the past four years. Four things you learned or experienced or explored for the first time in the past four years. New house, new school, new hobby, new spouse, new baby, whatever. Then you have to list four new things you want to try in the next four years. I liked thinking about the four new things that I want to try.

Four new things I learned or experienced in the past four years:

1. The Lord brought a certain young man in my life in summer of 2003. We
   spent many days learning more about one another, and now, four years later, I
   can't imagine what life was like before him! He's my best friend, leader,
   encourager, but most important is that he continually points me to the truth of
   the Word. I tend to lose focus when my emotions take a front seat in
   certain situations, but he consistently points me back to Christ and the truth
   of His Word (even when I don't like it at the time).

2. In summer of 2003, I had my third overseas experience in Istanbul,
Turkey. My team spent two weeks on a college campus building relationships
with students. I wouldn't say I was "distracted" while over there, but it
was definitely a time of intercession and reflection. I would go back to
the hotel every evening and check my email, signing into Yahoo with anxious
anticipation for receiving emails from a certain someone: it was part of the
"getting to know you" season...

3. I graduated from college in May 2004 with a Bachelor of Behavioral
Sciences. I didn't rush into seminary immediately following that, but
instead stayed in my college town for a few months working and wondering where I
would be headed next.

4. I've been in Kentucky for two years!!! It's hard to believe, but I
moved here in June 2005. My boyfriend and I both moved here and began
classes at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in the fall of 2005.
I finally found a biblical counseling masters degree that actually relies on the
Word! Not only did he and I move here, but our other Texas friends
followed us a year later!

Four things that I want to try or do in the next four years:

1. 
   
   1. "Good things to come to those who wait." While everyone around
   me seems either already married, more impatient than myself, or all of the
   above, I would like to be married in the near future. I'm the silly
   girl who told him that I want to be completely surprised (and trust me, some
   days I wonder why I ever said that!) I am patient in knowing that now is
   not the time. What worth is there in being impatient for something that
   clearly has not come yet for reasons known to the Lord? The day
   will come when it comes, and until then, I'm enjoying my best
   friend~

2. Graduate from Southern with a Master
of Divinity in
Biblical
Counseling, and receiving my NANC
certification. My current school and
work
schedule limit my time to invest in extensive counseling, but I do treasure
both the studies and relationships I have been given during this
season.

3. Pending marriage (yes, let's not put the cart before the horse
here), I would like to have at least one child biologically. While there
are concerns that accompany tuberous sclerosis, and I am in favor of genetic
counseling, I would like to have that experience. I have realized more
than ever during these past few years just how fragile life is, and how the most
minute details of life are completely in the Lord's hands. If He wills it
so, I would love the experience of carrying my own child.

4. I would like to live in a HOUSE! While I am thankful for
where I live and
the low expenses that come with my apartment, I would love to
have a house
at some point, whether buying or renting. There is something
much more
personal about a house than sharing walls and floors with other
people.

I am tagging the following bloggy-friends:

1. Gret-Reads-247
2. You Little O Wife
3. I'd Rather Laugh than Cry
4. B-Michael
5. Colorado Dreaming
   

"To learn Christ, this is life!"

I read the last page of Stepping Heavenward over the weekend, and I have yet to narrow my thoughts down to a concise recollection of why this book is now on my list of favorites. However, I seem incapable of further prolonging an entry dedicated to this particular novel. The little paperback is currently sitting atop a new journal at my bedside. My approach and purpose for writing, for filling those empty pages, has been renewed by reading Elizabeth Prentiss' dear little novel. A novel! The journal entries penned by "Katy" seemed so true to life, I oftentimes felt I was reading the confessions and insights of a very near and dear friend. Not only was I moved to tears in reading of conversion, sweet moments of the Lord's presence during the darkest of hours, the patience and sanctification lived out between husband and wife, but I was also offended. I was offended by some of "Katy's" thoughts and attitude toward individuals and events in her life. And just when my jaw would drop at such candid outbursts, I was immediately brought to humility at the reality that these particular journal entries were the very ones with which I can most often resonate. Because of this, I was moved as I read of "Katy" questioning the Lord's hand only to later see that He was working in every detail of those events which brought her to her knees. All this to say, I was moved by this little book in ways I have rarely, if ever, experienced.

• “You would not speak so kindly if you knew what a dreadful creature I am. I am angry with myself, and angry with everybody, and angry with God. I can’t be good two minutes at a time. I do everything I do not want to do, and do nothing I try and pray to do. Everybody plagues me and tempts me. And God does not answer any of my prayers, and I am just desperate.” p.38 ("Katy" in her youth)

• "'You may be sure of it,' he said solemnly. 'I, His minister, bring the gospel to you today. Go home and say over and over to yourself, I am a wayward foolish child. But he loves me! I have disobeyed and grieved Him ten thousand times over. But He loves me! I have lost faith in some of my dearest friends and am very desolate. But He loves me!’ I came away, and all the way home I fought this battle with myself, saying, 'He loves me!' I knelt down to pray, and all my wasted, childish, wicked life came and stared me in the face. I looked at it and said with tears of joy, 'But He loves me!' Never in my life did I feel so rested, so quieted, so sorrowful, and yet so satisfied.” p. 38-39 (conversation between "Katy" and "Dr. Cabot")

• "'And I am so astonished that we are restless under His unerring hand! Think how He has dealt with me. My soul was sick unto death, sick with worldliness, and self-pleasing and folly. There was only one way of making me listen to reason, and that was just the way He took. He snatched me right out of the world and shut me up in one room, crippled, helpless, and alone, and set me to thinking, thinking, thinking till I saw the emptiness and shallowness of all in which I had hitherto been involved'...I was glad to be alone, to walk my room singing praises to him for every instance in which, as my Physician, He had disappointed my hope and defeated my joy, and given me to drink of the cup of sorrow and bereavement." p. 244-45 (conversation between "Katy" and "Helen")

• “Mother says we ought to study God’s providence more than we do, since He has a meaning and a purpose in everything He does. Sometimes I can do this and find it a source of great happiness. Then worldly cares seem mere worldly cares, and I forget that His wise, kind hand is in every one of them.”p. 216

How dare you expect me to pick up your smelly laundry?

I have gone to great lengths on occasion to refrain from harsh critiques and rantings on this blog. This is not one of those occasions. However, I would not necessarily categorize the following as a rant, but rather, a reflection of one of the many reasons I have become increasingly more turned off to Christian radio stations. The ride to work this morning was quite smooth for a change, and I managed to drive the six miles in under 25 minutes somehow. I stopped surfing the radio stations when I heard one of the local Christian stations giving the traffic report, and then just kept it there since I was nearing the end of my commute. The hokey DJ's - and I use the nicest of terms here given that they are, after all, promoting Christian music - were in the middle of their usual, silly dialogue back and forth.

"Doug" began reading an article he read recently regarding husbands and their dirty laundry - not figurative laundry, but smelly, sweaty laundry. He prefaced that there was no research to support the facts given in the article, but he read that men supposedly refuse to pick up their laundry due to laziness. A husband and father himself, "Doug" admitted that he sometimes forgets to pick up laundry, but that such is rarely an issue due to his wife's consistent commitment to keeping the home orderly and clean. "Kim" then piped in and said something to the effect of, "But, Doug, that's so gross to just leave your icky socks around and expect your wife to clean up after you!" "Doug" then replied, stating that laundry is not some problematic issue in his home, and that it may be a little unfair for people to assume that men are always lazy and, thus, don't pick up after themselves. Here's where I almost pulled over and called the radio station -- "Kim" then responded, rather confidently, "Oh, Douglas, the Bible says that Christ served the Church, and that husbands should serve their wives as Christ served the Church." Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait -- served?? Okay, I can handle the Christian hits you hear played over and over again on local stations (and if you miss it you can just switch over to the other station where it's bound to be playing as well). But I always knew there was a reason I was turned off to most Christian DJ's. And I can handle individuals using various Bible translations when quoting Scripture; that's not a hill I feel is worth dying on most of the time. But, when you are on a public forum, attempting to promote Christian music and principles for living, please quote what the passage actually says! Christ-centered marriage is alien and, more often than not, unattractive and opposed by secular society. A conversation about smelly undies is probably not, in and of itself, worth fighting for, but YES it is when the real issue at hand is that of husbands and wives. "Doug" was simply communicating that his wife gladly performs responsibilities around the home, and some of those are, by nature, performed when he is forgetful and not aware of a mess he may have made. I'm not married yet, but I still cannot count on my hands the amount of times I have witnessed my boyfriend leave a sock on top of the TV at my apartment, or leave one (on one occasion it was three) of the kitchen cabinets at his parents' house wide open and not even realize that he has done so. Is it because he is lazy and just expects the women in his life to come in behind him and clean up his messes? No! He simply forgets. I doubt "Doug" walks around his own home thinking, "You know, if I leave this undershirt on the floor, the one that I wore to mow the lawn, surely my wife will pick it up. I don't care either way. It's her duty to do the laundry." And why is it that? Why did "Doug" instead try explaining the ways in which his wife does such things gladly and with great patience exercised towards him? Because the text actually says that Christ loved the Church, and that husbands should love their wives. Wives/mothers are specifically called as nurturers and caretakers of the home. Does this mean she begrudgingly goes through her daily duties, all the while thinking to herself, "My husband should be serving me! How dare he leave his socks on the floor and expect me to clean up after him"? Some may think I am being over-analytical, but call it what you may when it comes to a Christian radio DJ completely misquoting such a precious and crucial passage of Scripture. The framework of marriage is at stake in our culture, and I am only surprised that I didn't run into the curb when I heard "Kim's" contribution to the conversation this morning.

better than you could ever imagine...

May 10, 2007 will definitely be inserted in the timeline of
personal, historical events. Car accidents are nothing out of the norm; how many
people do you know who have never been involved in one? We hear about
these incidences frequently, even if one is heard of while listening to the rush
hour traffice report. But what happens when you find yourself involved in such a
dilemma, thinking to yourself, "That traffic helicopter up there is looking at
this very automobile accident"? While such events are far from uncommon, the
aftermath varies drastically from person to person.

If someone asked me what my very first thought was, this would be it: "Is my nose still attached?" Both airbags ejected from their compartments when I slammed into the woman who decided she was going to forego any rules regarding right of way. I remember putting my foot on the brake, but still had no reaction time in order to slow down. All I could do was stare straight ahead at the car I was about to hit, and brace myself. So I braced myself, and when I opened my eyes, the first thing I felt was the burning sensation on my nose. After reassurance that my nose was still attached, I went into panic mode. When airbags deploy, a white powder comes out, so I found myself choking and grasping for air since some had apparently gone down my throat. The witness who stayed at the scene appeared almost immediately at my drivers side door, and had to pry it open for me to exit since the impact severely damaged the car's frame. Upon exiting the car, I was able to gain control of my breathing and also noticed that I had a couple of burns on my wrists also caused by the airbags. All I could do was cry from the shock of the crash, trying to actually realize that this had just happened. I often replay the accident in my head, remembering how it felt to hit the other car, and the panic that immediately took over in wondering whether or not I was injured.

My car is currently sitting in the driveway waiting for someone to come and take a look. There is very little question as to the possibility of it being restored, so I have been trying to work my way through the various, detailed steps of purchasing a new car and insurance as well. I have no idea what the insurance company will give me in the event that the car is totaled, so there will be a waiting period over the next couple of days until they actually provide a quote of the damage.

I was talking with one of my dearest friends last night and asked her if she still deals with feelings of being a kid in an adult world. All of this is so surreal, and the events of the past week are a blur. I finished a book on Saturday which has now been added to my personal list of favorites and recommendations: Suffering and the Sovereignty of God, eds. John Piper and Justin Taylor. I originally began reading the book as the day of my MRI was quickly approaching (see previous post regarding the MRI). In the midst of everything that happened with my car accident, the results of my MRI were put on hold. However, the reading and reflection on such a book could not have come at a better time. In the midst of a week filled with questions, some of which remain unanswered, the Lord used the words of godly men and women to bring comfort to my soul. My small group from church met on Sunday night, and I shared with them some of what the Lord has done and shown me during these recent events. I recalled events from this time last year, recollecting how dark that time was as I learned the nature of my medical condition, learned of my brother's cancer, and found myself facing certain financial debt. I shared with them that it was the darkest season to date, and a time when I cried out to the Lord knowing he was there, but clamoring for the light in the midst of such a lonely valley. As I was telling my small group, my eyes welled up as I shared my thoughts looking back on that time in my life. Yes, it was the darkest season, and yet I can see how perfectly orchestrated those days and minutes were in my history. I can see where the Lord's grace was sufficient for each given moment, and know that such grace was the exact amount I needed during those passing minutes. And now...in the midst of another uncertain and scary season, I can see this "slight and momentary affliction" much more clearly. I can look back at last year and know that the Lord was preparing me then for now...and that He's preparing me now for seasons which still remain a mystery. So in the midst of not knowing the status of my poor car, not knowing anything about insurance or bank loans for new cars, blowing my nose every five minutes due to my immune system taking quite a blow this week, I can rest. Although I have moments of anxiety or wonder, I rest--knowing that He who spared my life has done so for reasons which have yet to be revealed. Here are some of the quotes I have written in my journal after reading Suffering and the Sovereignty of God:

• "Many of us have tasted such grief...I have had seasons of perplexity about God's providence that have been so deep that night after night sleep has fled from me. Yet these griefs have been God's gifts. For only by such severe suffering has my loving Father broken me free of some of my deeper idolatries. In the nights' watches, while others sleep, my wakeful heart must find rest in Him or it will find no rest at all." ~Talbot, 75-76
• "We have an idea that if we do what God wants us to do, then He owes us to take the suffering away. I believed that; I don't believe that anymore." ~Steve Saint, 118
• "He will make you stop. You will struggle. He will bring you up short. You will hurt. He will take His time. You will grow in faith and in love. He will deeply delight you. You will find the process harder than you ever imagined--and better. Goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life (Ps. 23:6). No matter how many times you've heard it, no matter how long you've known it, no matter how well you can say it, God's answer will come to mean something better than you could ever imagine." ~Powlison, 146
• "There is inevitably an aloneness in suffering because no one can fully enter another's experience...God ensures that human aid will never substitute for the Lord who alone comes fully near. But we can bear each other's burdens with love, and we can counsel each other with truth. The give and take of wise love is one of life's most significant joys." ~Powlison, 166

When I am afraid I put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust: I shall not be afraid. ~Psalm 56

the R&R was just in time

As Monday morning is quickly approaching, I cannot help but reflect on how good of a weekend this was. Not only was it a time for rest before finals week, but I also had the wonderful opportunity to spend time with girls I had not previously gotten to know. Friday night was spent making cookies and chatting for what ended up being four hours with an extremely encouraging and insightful woman I have received glimpses of from her blog since we rarely pass each other on campus. While it is somewhat unfortunate that we have not spent time together until just now, I was strongly encouraged by a woman who challenges me in certain ways and is quite like-minded in others~

On Saturday, my beloved Gretchen had a spa party planned. Due to pending exams, I was not sure if I would be able to attend but decided otherwise at the last minute. Oh, am I glad I was able to be there (even if the time was brief)!! A friend of Gretchen's brought BeautiControl products and treated us to an evening of hand creams, foot cream that smelled like rainwater and pina coladas, and microdermabrasion (still don't know how to spell that one). You can see that Gretchen was thoroughly enjoying the special treatment~

I also had the opportunity to laugh about blue cupcakes with a two girls who also attended the spa party. We had such a good time, and I am always encouraged when meeting other women from school who share in the simple joys of hanging out together~

Since I didn't stay for the entire evening, Gretchen gave me the thoroughly enjoyable task of taking pictures with her camera. Haha... yes, I have been nice to the ladies in posting some of the better pictures on here. All in all, it was a fun time complete with strawbery shortcakes - compliments of Gretchen. Thanks to these silly girls, I will never look at blue cupcakes the same, nor will I be able to listen to a "relaxation" CD again and take it seriously~

My boyfriend also treated me to a Saturday matinee at the IMAX theater to see "Spiderman 3." Not that those are my absolute favorite movies, but the enjoyment of being able to spend a relaxed Saturday afternoon with him was unmatched. In a nutshell, the weekend was spent thanking the Lord for the sweet and simple blessings that could otherwise so easily go unnoticed.