Decisions, Decisions

Confession time - I hate making decisions.

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When it comes to choices that will largely affect me down the road (job, school, etc.) I actually have a physical reaction when it comes down to the final minute when the decision needs to be made. I wouldn't call it a panic attack ncessarily, but when my brain is going 100mph through all of the pros and cons to whatever choice I make, I tend to sweat and my heart rate increases. I find myself in the middle of such a decision. I am nearing the point when the decision absolutely needs to be made, and whatever I decide will greatly affect any employment or education opportunities in the future (and of course ultimately affecting me and my husband).

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For those of you who aren't completely familiar with the degree program I am in, I am one class away from completing a Master of Arts in Biblical Counseling. After almost four years of attending seminary, I am one semester away from being completely done and walking the stage adorned in cap and gown. What you also may not know about the program is that the degree is designed for a very narrow field - counseling within your local church. The biblical counseling program has only been at Southern for four years, and is intended to replace the program that used to prepare students for state licensure in counseling. The classes I am taking now and the degree I will receive in just four short months will not count toward licensure, only a particular certification for counseling in the church. I of course knew this as I was applying and preparing to enter the program in 2005, but as I near the end I am faced with important questions about the future.

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I have wanted to be in the field of counseling for as long as I can remember. I have always been particularly convicted about counseling families, and I have primarily wanted to do so in the church. With this comes the realization that I may or may not be paid for that type of counseling: it would all depend on the church and their ability or willingness to provide monetarily for such ministry. Money is not priority, but thinking through such matters led me to ponder another important question. Do I want to be available to counsel in any given capacity, not just in the church?

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As I near the end of my degree, I struggle with thought of having not only my undergraduate degree but now also my graduate degree feeling somewhat useless. On a very practical level, neither of my degrees say very much nor do they spark much interest on a resume. That does not mean that I regret devoting years to either one, but I do wonder what the point was for investing so much time and money and energy into two degrees that have very little weight when it comes to employment prospects. I was fortunate to obtain both degrees, I am not ungrateful, just wondering what kind of value they hold.

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I am at a point wherein I am debating on further schooling... Do I really want to go to yet another school for another masters degree? Not exactly. Do I see the long-term value of doing so? Yes. There is a school here in Louisville that offers a masters degree in marriage and family therapy, preparing students specifically for licensure in that field. The program is not only attractive due to being the exact degree I would want to pursue, but also because the courses are offered both online and at night. For such a practical degree for what I am wanting to pursue, there are also very practical matters holding me back from applying: 1) I am still in seminary, not quite done, 2) my husband and I have no idea where we are going to be come December. Aside from those two items, I would apply in a heartbeat and get this show on the road. No, I don't want to go through school all over again, but the more I think about it the more I think it would be well worth the time.

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There are so many issues and questions up in the air, and any of the related factors could change at any given point. I try not to consume my thoughts with my predicament, but some days it is a real struggle. My husband continually encourages me to pursue my goals wholeheartedly, and he knows my struggle in decision-making. The answer is not going to just fall into my lap necessarily; I am going to have to make actual choices that are actually going to directly affect the future. Very little moves me to anxiety like matters such as this.

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Immaturity in my ability to confidently make decisions? Yes.

Great at ideals and goals but weak in the day-to-day choices that will affect such dreams? Yes.

Guided by fear that often leads to inaction rather than action? Yes.

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This is why I have found myself imploring the Lord for wisdom more this week than I have in some time. If I know what I need to do, I want the courage to simply take that step and make the decision! I do not want to be driven by fear, but rather by trust in our Sovereign Lord and confidence in the ministry for which He has prepared for both me and my husband.

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." ~Isaiah 26:3