110 Days ~ Trials Together

If this post comes across as a somewhat scattered compilation of thoughts, then I will have successfully given my faithful readers a glimpse of how things have been going this past week. Most days are spent in tension between wondering if I should laugh or cry, and having an indescribable sense of sheer excitement or moments of silent wonder at how the Lord brings about trials. I don't know that I could adequately explain how those emotions all work together, but they are somehow doing that in me even now.

• Be still, and know that I am God... -Psalm 46:10

This past week began with rough, honestly unbelievable, news coming from all directions. My mother-in-law received test results that only showed other cancerous (or the potential) spots. She began chemotherapy on Friday and will do so on that day of the week until October. Once her two twelve-week rounds of chemo are completed, they will then perform surgery. Radiation will inevitably follow, which means that she will, once again, be away from the comfort of her own home since both surgery and radiation will take place at the hospital in Houston. She had just returned home from an entire summer spent taking care of her own mother when the lumps were discovered, and about the time she was getting settled, she found herself going back and forth once again. Paired with this came news of our pastor's wife. At thirty six weeks pregnant with her fourth child, she too has been diagnosed with breast cancer. The doctor confirmed that the cancer is aggressive, which means they will be inducing the baby earlier than the due date (this week). She will only have a week of rest before they begin the necessary steps to treatment.

• Sometimes the way is lonely, and steep and filled with pain ~ so if your sky is dark and pours the rain ~ then cry to Jesus, cry to Jesus cry to Jesus and live -Chris Rice

I finally broke down this week (and not just once) at how completely overwhelming all of this was. The only way I can describe it is that there was this tension between grieving the pain of such news and continuing in excitement over planning my own wedding. Questions flooded my mind all week as to how I should and should not respond or feel about all of this. Everything came to a head on Friday night when my fiance' sat me down and let me cry for quite some time. He then held my face, looked into my eyes and said, "No matter what happens, the Lord is good." How often has joy been restored by one simple statement? Such does not happen with me often. In fact, I'm one who often needs to be poked and prodded when I'm down in order to pull me back up. But this time, it took one simple statement which I knew was an encouraging word from the Lord. He truly is good, and He is faithful to hold us during the dark times. The professor teaching our marriage class provided us an incredible statement to reflect upon early in the semester: "Trials are better when faced together." Little did I know at the time just how real such a statement would become in a matter of days and hours. Think about this for a moment - our lives are not what we thought they would be this time last week. My life is not what I was expecting it to be a matter of days ago, much less last week. The Lord knows exactly what we need. He knows exactly where to pierce us, the very things that will move us to fall at His feet. He knows such things because He knows us better than we know ourselves. This is astonishing, should leave us utterly humbled and speechless, and I don't know that we pause often enough to reflect on such truth.

• How would I know the morning If I knew not midnight? - Nichole Nordeman

There are things I am oblivious to at this point in my life, things the Lord is working in that remain unknown. But what I do know is that which I have already stated and have been praying continually for those around me who are hurting in ways I could not begin to imagine - The Lord is good and does all things for our good and ultimately for His own glory. All things work together for good and the trials truly are better when faced together. Not easier by any means, but I am learning in ways I clearly was not expecting that we are called to walk through this valley together and not alone.

Brother, let me be your servant

Let me be as Christ to you

Pray that I may have the grace

To let you be my servant, too

I will hold the Christlight for you

In the night-time of your fear

I will hold my hand out to you

Speak the peace you long to hear

I will weep when you are weeping

When you laugh I'll laugh with you

I will share your joy and sorrow

Till we've seen this journey through

119 Days

124 Days ~ When Sinners Say "I Do"

"When Sinners Say 'I Do'..." The title of the book quickly grabbed my attention a few weeks ago. Not only is the author affiliated with Sovereign Grace Ministries, but every review emphasized the author's focus on mercy and forgiveness in marriage. Needless to say, I was interested. I also requested the trusted opinion of my dear friend and fellow reader who also gave a clear and enthusiastic recommendation of Dave Harvey's book (and not because she's trying to sell books at Lifeway). But wait a second...was I crazy these past few weeks to think that I could squeeze in yet another book, and not one required for class? I walked in and out of Lifeway a couple of times this past week with other tasks in mind, whether buying a card for a friend or purchasing the next book on our reading schedule for Systematic Theology. Everytime I thought about purchasing this book, one more book to add to my seemingly endless collection, images came to mind of wedding plans, reading for all of my classes, working 35 hours each week, keeping up with the Hebrew language, and remembering to eat and sleep somewhere in between. No, I thought to myself, I am not going to buy another book right now. How silly to think that I would actually have the time! Well, I bought it on Thursday. Other thoughts came to mind as I was skimming over the chapter titles and deciding that I was going to invest in this particular book: reading from older, much wiser men and women on the matter of forgiveness and grace in marriage, the benefit of incorporating a book into devotional time spent with the Lord. Thoughts of school and work were put on the backburner as I remembered something a professor recently mentioned in one of my classes: "Not spending time with God is like deciding not to breathe." Maybe it sounds extreme at first, but think of the admitted truth behind such a statement. What are all of these tasks and events that fill up our days and weeks when our lives are void of devotional time with the Lord? That is precisely how it feels, as if the life has been zapped from things that really are good in and of themselves. But when we are not focused on Christ, when we tell ourselves day in and day out that we just don't have the time to rise early or stay up a little while longer at night to meditate on His Word, to spend time on our knees in prayer (both praise and confession), we find ourselves looking back on the day wondering why such a busy calendar of events could feel so empty... I am not an expert in the art of book reviews. I would much rather just provide a few quotes that have already been of great conviction in the first couple of chapters.

• "What do all of us do in our marriages in some way? We all tend to deny our sin (while pointing out the sin of the other). By denying our sin, we devalue grace. . . . in ways that are very practical, Jesus is the only solution. . . . grace makes new beginnings possible. It challenged me to live like I really believe I can be a tool of God's grace." ~p. 12, Paul David Tripp
• "We must not ignore our sin, because it is the very context where the gospel shines the brightest. Grace is truly amazing because of what we were saved from." ~p. 16
• "...the gospel is an endless fountain of God's grace in your marriage. To become a good theologian and to be able to look forward to a lifelong, thriving marriage, you must have a clear understanding of the gospel. Without it, you cannot see God, yourself, or your marriage for what they truly are." ~p. 25
• "But for us to become more like Christ, we must reckon with the fact that we are sinners; forgiven, yes, but still battling the inward drive to turn away from God to ourselves. Without such biblical clarity, we have no context for the cross and no ongoing awareness of our need for grace and mercy." ~p.29
• "...until we truly understand the problem, we won't savor the solution. Isn't that your testimony? Haven't you seen that the more you comprehend the scope of sin's awfulness, the more quickly you flee to the Savior, now revealed anew in His glory, holiness, beauty, and power?" ~p. 30

If you are wondering as to the nature and wisdom of a particular book, you can at least know the author is off to a good start when the starting point of all content is the foundation and centrality of the Gospel. I began reading the introductory material (written by Paul David Tripp, another Gospel-centered, excellent author) after an argument I had with my fiance'...one that began and ended in a manner rather commonplace in regard to my own sin and manner of reaction. I look back at that exchange now and can see so clearly (clarity in hindsight, yes) the patterns that are so prevalent in how I respond to the man who is going to be my husband in a few short months. I have much to learn, and I know that many moments of confession and seeking forgiveness are in store for the future. But I also know that I am a sinner saved by grace. I am responsible for my own sin, rather than the tendency to project onto him and not confront myself. Through prayer, repentance, and time truly spent with the Lord, I hope and trust that He will make me into the tool of grace I am intended to be as a wife and life partner to this godly, patient, Christ-centered man.

126 Days ~ A Friend's Dream

Do you remember your dreams from the night before? Are you bold enough to share them with others, even when they are the kind that make very little sense? One of my oldest and dearest friends emailed me yesterday for the simple reason of telling me about her dream from the night before. I sat at work cracking up as I read through it, not only because of how random the dream was but because Stef has always managed to make me laugh in a way that is unique to her and no one else. So if you read the following recollection and you are left in utter confusion and thinking to yourself that I have a weird sense of humor, well...hmm. This would not have been nearly as funny had it come from someone else with whom I haven't shared such a history. For the rest of you, try to imagine yourself retelling a dream to someone exactly as it occurred in your brain...

"I don't know
why my brain decided to dream about your wedding... but it did. I dreamt
that I was running late, and I didn't think ahead of time, so i didn't have any
clean nice clothes. I didn't know what I was going to do... but I was
already running late. So I figured, I'd rather wear dumb clothes and get
to see you walking down the aisle than try to find something nice to wear and
miss that part. So there I went, in a brown shirt and khakis. Like I
said, I was running late... so there weren't many seats open. I didn't
know anyone at the wedding, and I was by myself, so I had to ask these strangers
to scoot over so i could sit (of course, I'm embarrassed because of what I'm
wearing, and because now that I"m late, I get the good aisle seat... and I had
no idea of this person I was asking to scoot over was really close to you, and
wanted to make sure she had the isle seat.) Then I noticed a whole empty
row at the front and went and sat in that. I wondered why no one had taken
that row... and was scared it might be for family... but I saw everyone in
your family already seated. So I figured what they hey. Then I
looked back toward the back of the church where you would enter, and I saw you
in your gown from a distance. I thought... that's funny, everyone
else has to walk down the aisle first, but when I looked back you were
gone. This is where it gets weird... and I'm probably not going to be able
to explain it well: So the braidesmaids started to come down the aisle,
but they were in that outfit that Sandie was wearing at the end of Grease, when
they're at the fair. Those black outfit with the really high leather
pants. On the back it said "Grease Lightnin'." And they were walking
with a strut. I thought, Oh, I didn't know she was having a theme wedding.
Somehow, I'm at the back of the church now, and I'm with Jenny *one of my
bridesmaids*. We see an altercation, and then someone shoot a guy in a
baseball uniform, and then throw him in a pizza box...but the whole thing looked
pretty fake (Now in my dream, there was a story like this all over the
news... it was some college baseball player, and he got killed and thrown
in a pizza box to see if he would bounce) A few people were calling the
police... but I thought it was something to do with the wedding. Then
the minister turned and look toward the gunman and said that Christ died for us
when we were still sinners, so then I knew it was part of the
message. He started to speak about how God "sweeps" up our mistakes.
At this point, I looked at the floor and it was COVERED in filth, and there was
a hand sweeper right next to me. So I proceed to sweep the floor. As
I make my to the front (I'm on my hands and knees sweeping) I realize that
I'm on an incline, and that I have no traction... so I start sliding. Now
all the attention is taken off the wedding, and everyone is watching me
sliding. I now realize that "what in the world was I doing sweeping the
floor at your wedding?" So anyway, I'm sliding sliding and I can't
stop... so I position myself to crash into a pew to stop my sliding. I
told you this was weird. Then your wedding party comes out again with
costumes and they do a chaotic scene from Pirates of the Caribbean. There
was a lot of swashbuckling and screaming... and it was just chaos.
Then you came out with huge sunglasses on, and you played a role too. You
came over by me (I'm in the front row again somehow) and said "this is kind of
dragging on isn't it? i didn't plan for it to be so long." Then you
asked me if I would play a role, and go get a pineapple to put on this big totem
pole thing. Then Phoebe *Stef's little dog* was there (I don't know how
she got there), and she started barking. I felt really bad... but you came
over and played with her. Then there was more scenes... and you coming out
in different outfits... but never in your wedding gown to do the vows.
Then Jarrod *Stef's husband* woke me up, and I asked him to let me go back
to sleep so I could see what your wedding dress looked like... but I never got
the dream back. Weird."

131 Days ~ he knows good music

For reasons unknown, I was never a huge fan of Bebo Norman. I'm not exactly sure why considering the obvious gift of music he possesses. But this weekend, Bob and I had a "moment." He has started compiling music on his iPod that we know we want played at the reception, and included was a song I had not previously heard. This song reflects our relationship in such a unique way. I responded in a manner similar to when I listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's "What I Really Want To Say." Writing comes easily to me, but voicing the sum of my feelings seems nothing short of impossible at times. So as I sat on my couch with tears streaming down my face, I decided that I am a Bebo fan after all...

To Find My Way to You

"Well I can’t find the words to say

Just to make, make this go way

So you just bleed and I can’t sleep tonight

‘Cause it’s hard to see just what you mean

Across the lines that bring your voice to me

But I can hear your every tear when you cry

And, oh love, when you say to me

That your heart breaks every time I leave

I would set out across the sea

Just to find my way to you

Well I don’t know which way to go

So I search the stars, basking in the glow

But they all fall down without a sound from the sky

Well I still can’t find the words to say

But you, my love, love me anyway

So just go to sleep, and my heart will keep the time

‘Cause, oh love, when you say to me

That my kiss is the breath you breathe

I would wake up from a thousand dreams

Just to find my way to you"

134 Days ~ "Tune my heart to sing Thy grace"

This post serves to inform my faithful readers that my fiance' has finally posted a new entry on his blog!! WARNING: Yours truly started the rant to which he refers; he is simply more systematic in discussion of the issue. Follow the link below to his post:

http://nottherighteous.blogspot.com/2007/08/righting-rights-and-writing-wrongs.html

138 Days ~ It's starting to sink in

I drove to David's Bridal as fast as I could yesterday after church. Fifteen minutes later, I was walking back out of the store with a particularly heavy garment bag. The only word I can muster for how it felt to walk out with dress in hand was giddy. I wanted to call everyone I knew to tell them that I had finally made the last payment on my wedding gown (and some of you I did call!). My sweet friend and bridesmaid Eryn is letting me keep it at her place for the next few months. She was with me when I found the dress back in June and cried with me when I turned around and saw my reflection in the mirror. I've been so thankful for the sweet friendship that has been developing this past year, thankful that she is one I can call on a total whim for such things as going to see "Becoming Jane" (if you're a girl and love Jane Austen, go see the movie!).
Eryn is also a sweet reminder of home. While Bob's side of the wedding party is represented here in Louisville, Eryn is the only one of my girls who is able to be here with me week to week as plans are beginning to come together. It makes me all the more antsy for the next few months and for when I finally get to travel down to Texas and see the rest of my family and friends for the glorious celebration!

152 Days ~ Fun is Bowling at Lucky Strike!

The other Jenn won a free night of bowling downtown at Lucky Strike a couple of weeks ago. Not only is it a great atmosphere complete with couches and a fun menu, but the bowling alley is right in the midst of 4th Street Live (the area downtown blocked off for outdoor shopping and restaurants. This was the second time I was invited to join a group for free bowling at Lucky Strike - I guess that means I have some really *lucky* friends (either that or they just bowl better than I do...)

The key to winning a free game of bowling for you and your friends is to land a strike when the front pin is lit with a red light. As you can see, these people really like their lights! You can barely even make out the arrows on the floor because the lighting is so crazy~

Joe is pretty much the king of bowling in my closer circle of friends. He's the one who landed the very first free night of bowling, only to have Jenn win her own party during the fun event.

This is where I pause in the midst of all the fun bowling pictures and make mention of the men in the above picture - Joe, Andrew, and Bob. They have been close friends since college, and the two moved up here (along with another friend of ours, the best man in our wedding, who was unable to attend the bowling party) a year after us to attend seminary. I have personally been blessed to see how they have not only grown as godly men individually, but to also witness how their friendship has continued to grow and sharpen one another. I am encouraged by how diligent they remain in spurring one another on, whether during days of celebration or times of simply needing a friend in close proximity to lean upon.

In one sense the days draw closer...in another sense, five months is a lengthy amount of time in which I'm learning great patience...

Thankful for the old friends and the new!! Brian accepted the invitation to join in our wedding day as one of Bob's groomsmen. The day would not be the same without him there (he is uncle to Nali and Maia after all).

Jenn and Rachel~ Jenn works diligently alongside some of the guys at a job that often proves difficult in matters of enjoyment. She is one of those girls whom I know is a kindred spirit and wish I could spend much more time with than the Lord sees fit during this particular season. (Rachel was in town until starting the fall semester back up. Her father is a professor of theology at Southern and she comes in each summer to spend time with the family. We were glad to meet her and enjoy some good bowling time!)

Nothing to note except for the fact that I absolutely love this picture. I still have a hard time believing that I actually get to marry him in just five months~

157 Days ~ Wisdom from a Newlywed

In her ongoing blog, Christine is answering questions geared toward her first month of marriage. I was so moved, encouraged, and challenged by her response to a particular question that I asked her permission to post her response here:

• Anon. asked:Just wondering... but as another self-described "independent
  woman," I find myself wanting to know which parts of the engaged/married
  experience (so far) have been the most trying for a woman who had been used to
  making her own decisions in every area without having to submit to another human
  being in each of them. I think it will be very difficult for me to adjust to
  that, given that I've been living on my own since 1999. Have you experienced
  frustration or fear or similar feelings along the way? Has it been harder or
  easier than you expected to live in Biblical "coupledom"? Or is it, frankly, too
  soon to tell?
• Christine responds:A month or so before I left the United States
  for Germany I was reading over my vows and was hit by this portion:
  I
  promise, by God's grace, as He enables me to submit to you and to obey you in
  everything, as I do to the Lord. I recognize you as my head, even as Christ is
  the head of the church. In so doing I resolve to put my trust in God and not
  give way to fear. The weight of this statement overwhelmed and humbled me to the
  point of tears. I realized then that I could not give into fear because
  ultimately my trust was not in Mike but in God. Mike will eventually fail me and
  disappoint me and I will do the same to him! At that moment I realized that I did
  have fear in my life: fear that Mike would disappoint me and not live up to an
  unreasonably high standard. Could I place myself under him knowing this?! But who
  am I? I, too, am a sinner. I, too, will disappoint. To expect more of Michael
  than his human limitations would be to make him god. And if I clung to him in
  desperation and he failed me, my world would fall apart leading to resentment
  and then bitterness. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." This is what
  drove me to tears: this vision of the monster I could become, gripped by the
  sins of idolatry and bitterness, wounding others because I myself had been
  wounded. It was at this moment that I knew I had to reject this idolatry and
  cling to God and his provisions and perfect goodness. When Mike somehow
  disappoints me I am now free to joyfully show him grace and forgiveness. Instead
  of resenting Mike, I hope in Christ and repent of my own sinful behavior. I am
  thankful that this transformation of the mind took place before our wedding. As
  a result, it has been an incredibly smooth transition into living together in
  grace and love.
  

163 Days ~ she knows me well

No, I don't talk to my wedding binder like it's Wilson, the volleyball in "Castaway," but it's definitely comforting to utilize and carry around as a reminder of my bestest friend and matron of honor. She made a wedding binder for herself two years ago and enjoyed it so much that she has made one for her closest, engaged friends ever since! As you can see from the photos, she went along with my red color scheme to personalize it all the more, and included some things I would not have even thought of. The binder is complete with a customized six-month calendar, a checklist organized by month, and plenty of dividers and pockets all to help me keep my head on straight (if at all possible). If organization is ever a spiritual gift, then she is surely gifted! This is not just a binder that I casually picked up at Hallmark, but rather one that my dearest friend took the time to put together for her dearest friend's most important day. Such a gift is indicative of how well she knows me, and just how much she desires to help in whatever ways such a close friend can. I love you, friend - "to infinity and beyond!"

165 Days...Saying "I Love You"

'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his
wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is
profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the
church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the
wife see that she respects her husband. ~Ephesians 5:31-33

Who knows how many times I've read, "This mystery is profound." I could not even begin to understand, or see a glimmer of, the depth and wondrous mystery of marriage apart from entering into such preparation. Both my heart and mind have been increasingly overwhelmed at the changes that are and will occur in my life. Any believer can attest to the truth in such passages as Ephesians 5, and even Philippians 2 when it comes to putting the interests of another above his or her own, but then one reads it with marriage in view. Regardless of the various nonverbal responses from others, I am more than thankful that my fiance' and I waited this long to become engaged. Yes, there were seasons (some longer than others) when I questioned and grew impatient in waiting for the day when he would, Lord-willing, ask me of all the women on this earth to be his wife. I can say without a doubt that this man is my best friend. He is my best friend, knows me better than anyone else, and still loves me. Apart from all that encompasses my relationship with Christ, I don't know of any other reality more humbling than this. Most people do not know this, but we rarely said "I love you" during the four years of our dating relationship. I can probably count on one hand the times when we looked into each others eyes and uttered those words. We were both always hesitant, not because we ever doubted our love for one another, but because our lives are solely in the Lord's hands. My medical problems last year revealed such truth to us more than ever, and that time early last year is one of my most vivid memories of him looking at me and telling me that he loved me regardless of what the Lord brought our way. I asked him one day last week when he knew, when he really knew that I was the one he desired to marry. He did not hesitate to tell me that it was last year during that difficult time, a time that clearly affected me individually, as well as our relationship. Can anyone describe the comfort that comes from such a realization? Can anyone explain just how wonderful and indescribable it is to know that he knew I was the one during what has been the worst season of my life to date? I cannot fully express how profound all of this is. When I am tempted to get caught up in the plans of the wedding, when I am prone to anxiety, there is a comfort beyond words that helps me persevere. That comfort is that the mystery is profound; the mystery of marriage and how it so intimately reflects Christ and the church is profound. The display of Christ's love for His church is undeserved and should move us to tears of both praise and humility.

Call me overly-sentimental...

Call me whatever you wish, but I cannot imagine myself ever being a candidate for the current "Trash Your Wedding Dress" trend. If you are unfamiliar with the concept, the title speaks for itself: photographers being paid to take pictures of wives, post-wedding, in their wedding gowns. These are not your standard portraits, but rather ones with the sole purpose of letting the bride trash her dress. Reasoning? She has no desire to stick the dress in a closet. After all, she will never wear it again.

Trash the Dress is only one of several sites where you will find photographers advertising such an opportunity for women to have these photos taken. The following is taken directly from their site:

Go ahead, you know you want to. Trash it. Get it dirty. Get it wet. Roll around in the mud. Drench it in the ocean. Totally trash it. Why? … Why not? You’ve
made a commitment to your husband. He’s your one and only true
love, right? Then you’ll never need the dress again. And no, your daughter
won’t wear it in 20-30 years. So you have two choices:
1) Suffocate it in
plastic and throw it in a closet

2) Show your husband how committed you are by trashing the dress, and get
some great fun pictures while you do it!
Then after you do it- send the pictures to us to publish for all the
world to see. What are you waiting on? Call one of the trusted photographers
on this page or find one you trust and go trash the dress!

One should not be terribly surprised that such a trend exists. Not only do we live in a culture that devalues and often misses the entire purpose of sacred marriage, but some also read less into sentiment than others. Anyone who knows me will attest that I hold the value of such things quite close. I am not a lover of material possessions, but I also have my own marriage ceremony coming up in just over five months in which I will walk down the aisle in a gown that means more to me than a mere article of clothing. I cannot simply toss it aside once the ceremony and festivities have subsided. How can I discard something that will forever remind me of such a day? I do not take lightly the value of such a gown, nor any of the other details of the ceremony. All are intended to reflect this central truth - Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her. He did not do so out of the Church's own merit, but rather makes His Beloved pure and spotless before a living and holy God. "Oh, I'll never wear it again," and "I know my daughter won't want to wear it when her day arrives" fall short as valid reasons for deciding to take photos of yourself sitting in a swamp or even looking mysterious under the surface of murky lake water. Again, some may disagree, but I see a most symbolic gown cheapened by the mere desire to rid oneself of such so-called clutter.

"You make me want to be brave"

(photo courtesy of hallmark.com)

The gate is wide

The road is paved in moderation

The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in

Welcome to the middle ground

You're safe and sound and

Until now it's where I've been

'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything

But it's been love,

Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo

I think I just let go

You make me want to be brave

The way it always was

Is no longer good enough

You make me want to be brave

Brave, brave

I am small

And I speak when I'm spoken to

But I am willing to risk it all

I say Your name

Just Your name and I'm ready to jump

Even ready to fall...

Why did I take this vow of compromise?

Why did I try to keep it all inside?

Chorus

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame

Every storm will start with just a drop of rain

But if you believe in me

That changes everything

Chorus

~N. Nordeman~

Food, Glorious Food!

I think it's safe to say that we went all out for the 4th of July celebration. There were only four of us, yet my fiance' managed to buy enough food that would seemingly last until the end of time! My dad came into town for a few days, and one of Bob's closest friends joined us for the royal feast.

The kabobs turned out the best and they were so pretty! Four steaks followed the kabobs on the grill, as well as seasoned corn on the cob. I wish I would have taken a picture of my neighbors' shindig - they were grilling veggie burgers...VEGGIE burgers on the 4th of July! I think that should be outlawed...

And here are the men in all their glory, proudly displaying the fruits (meats) of their hard labor. Don't worry, I didn't just take pictures! I was hard at work on the salad and roasted potatoes. I would have taken pictures, but as you can see from this picture, my kitchen gives off a very odd yellow color...not very pretty... but there is nothing quite like roasting some seasoned red potatoes in a blazing gas oven!

I couldn't resist taking a picture of the girls. Nali hung out on the porch with all of us (probably wondering if she was going to get some extra special treat for good behavior). And where is the other one you ask? See below...Maia gets a little nervous in unfamiliar environments, so she steered clear of the grills and the occasional boom of fireworks nearby.

My fiance' and I are still trying to master the art of self portraits (PandaMom, you are still the queen!) I love this picture I took of us! I would have liked it better if I hadn't crammed my eye up against the side of his face... Oh well, he likes me anyway, lazy eye and all!

My dad and I had a great time together. Neither of us were in the mood to go out and do a ton of things while he was here. We simply enjoyed the time spent together, went out to eat a couple of times, and of course he was able to give some guidance to us newbies at the grill!

But what was for dessert after our magnificent spread on Wednesday? Oh yes, that was all mine. I slaved away for a whole ten minutes on the beauty that is strawberry shortcake. A perfect final touch to a relaxing day of fun and fellowship!

the written version

We were "supposed" to have a double date with our friends Joe and Sarah last Tuesday night. Joe is college friend who is also in seminary with us now; they're getting married in Dallas this weekend, and all the gang minus myself are driving down for the occasion. We wanted to do one last nice date night, so the guys were saving up for the steak night for awhile. Well... the double date never was a double date. However, Joe played it up, called me, and said they had to cancel at the last minute. I called Bob and told him, and we decided to still go even though they would not be able to join us. So we drove downtown all dressed up (I'm the goof who didn't bring her camera) and walked into this EXQUISITE steakhouse. (If you listen to the news, it's the one O.J. was asked to leave during Derby weekend.) My man let me order a petite filet and we ended the meal with some ridiculously divine chocolate dessert. I then recommended that we go for a walk, not knowing at the time that I was playing right into Bob's hands! The sky over the Ohio River was breathtaking. There was a huge storm heading our way, but it was still far off in the distance. The sun was setting behind it, and we could see the rays beaming from behind the dark clouds. I was so enamored that I was clueless as to how frantically Bob was trying to find us a place to go. I then, again playing into his hands, suggested that we go sit down somewhere as my feet don't do well in dress shoes. We found an unoccupied park bench facing the river, framed by the two river bridges, with that magnificent storm as the backdrop. No sooner had we sat down Bob turns to me and says, "Well, I have a confession to make. Joe and Sarah came and ate here last night." My response was nothing more than a rather confused expression. He then proceeded to tell me that they came to scope out the riverfront for him, and that I was beginning to find myself in the middle of a pre-planned scheme. As I am sitting there with my mouth hanging open in utter confusion (attractive, I know), trying to assess what in the world is going on, Bob reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a handwritten letter. One of my "natural highs" in life is a handwritten letter, and considering Bob has never handwritten more than a sweet note to me, my brain began turning to mush when he asked me to read it. I got to the third line and started crying... He informed me as I was reading that he had about thirty drafts sitting at home, signifying that he spent a substantial amount of time writing what he truly wanted to say. The only way I know to describe the moment is that it was completely surreal. I honestly asked myself if I was dreaming, if this was really happening. As I am thinking all of this I get to the last line of the letter where he humbly asks for my hand in marriage. I put my hand to my face, unable to control the tears, as he kneels on the ground and asks me, "Jennifer, will you marry me?" I managed to say "of course!" and all I could do was hug him. I was crying so much, and in such disbelief, that I didn't even see the ring when he first placed it on my finger. The entire proposal was a complete surprise. Even my parents were impressed by how well he was able to plan the event without dropping any hints to which I may catch on. As often occurs in hindsight, I was able to quickly look back to little things over the next six months that may have caused me to wonder, but Bob's just that good.

I went home after the proposal and reread his letter. How in the world did I
come to this place, where the Lord was gracious enough to place this man in my
life? As I write this, I still have trouble believing that all of this is really
happening. After years of attending the weddings of all my closest friends, I am
having to wrap my brain around the fact that this is my wedding I am planning.
But, oh, so much more than that. More than the wedding, planning for pretty
dresses and what everyone will eat at the reception, one thing stays primary in
my thoughts: I get to marry him. I get to marry him! I look in his eyes and try
to believe the wonderful reality that I will be looking into those same eyes in
twenty years. I look at him and I am all the more amazed by this great mystery
that is marriage. I have found myself, moreso than ever before, reciting the
words of my favorite song, and I find it increasingly more impossible to fight
back the tears. And do you know what is so glorious about such tears? There is
no reason to fight them. This day that every girl anticipates will arrive in six
short months, and I am continually drawn to thinking on how precious our Lord
is. He has taken me, this broken and sinful little girl, and prepared me for
this indescribable union.

The Church
I have come with one purpose

to capture for Myself a bride

by My life she is lovely

by My death she’s justified

I have always been her Husband

though many lovers she has known

so with water I will wash her

and by My Word alone

so when you hear the sound of the water

you will know you’re not alone

chorus

cause I haven’t come for only you

but for My people to pursue

you cannot care for Me with no regard for her

if you love Me you will love the Church

I have long pursued heras a harlot and a whore

but she will feast upon Me

she will drink and thirst no more

so when you taste My flesh and my blood

you will know you’re not alone

chorus
there is none that can replace her

though there are many who will try

and though some may be her bridesmaids

they can never be My bride

chorus

may the picture speak for itself...

Texas Gals Visit the Land of Bluegrass

This past week was a nice break from my usual work schedule. My mom and aunt came to visit! I only worked Monday and Tuesday, and they stayed through Saturday. One never quite knows what's in store when you get these ladies together... Wednesday was spent in Cincinnati and Newport. We were in the city for my annual appointment at the TS Clinic and stopped by Newport for some sun and seafood on the way back to Louisville.

Thursday was spent at the Downs: Churchill Downs. What was originally intended as a visit to the museum, complete with tours and a stop by the gift shop, turned out to be a full day! A valet handed us three free tickets for seats to the afternoon races that included our own personal waitress, flat screen TVs in case our seats still weren't satisfactory (trust me, they were), and freedom to go pretty much wherever we wanted! No no no, we did not bet on the races, but they were still fun to watch. The horse I rooted for was named "Goes"...yes, that was his name - how original.

This is how close we were to the action! It was pretty thrilling to hear the din of voices around us cheering for their favorites as these beautiful creatures tore past the finish line. My mom and aunt were raised riding horses, and my mom now actually owns one! I think this was a unique and memorable experience for them.

Oh, but the fun didn't stop after the Downs! We met up with my boyfriend afterwards and headed to Rocky's Italian Grill for dinner (see below for the picture from where we sat on the river). The weather was perfect: so perfect we didn't want the evening to end, so we managed to save room for dessert.

Ever since my car accident last month, I have gone back and forth with being somewhat homesick. I looked forward to my mom's visit for weeks, just to have her nearby so that I could hug her and so that she could see that everything worked out just as it was intended. We had a very relaxing visit, and we're already planning what to do when she visits next year!

Like a shadow declining

swiftly away . . . away . . .

like the dew of the morning

gone with the heat of the day;

like the wind in the treetops,

like a wave of the sea,

so are our lives on earth when seen

in the light of eternity.

p.18 of Ruth Bell Graham's Collected Poems

Four Then and Four to Come

I was tagged by my friend at Pandapalooza to do this meme. I haven't done this one, nor do I participate on a regular basis. Here is how this one works: You share four things that were new to you in the past four years. Four things you learned or experienced or explored for the first time in the past four years. New house, new school, new hobby, new spouse, new baby, whatever. Then you have to list four new things you want to try in the next four years. I liked thinking about the four new things that I want to try.

Four new things I learned or experienced in the past four years:

1. The Lord brought a certain young man in my life in summer of 2003. We
   spent many days learning more about one another, and now, four years later, I
   can't imagine what life was like before him! He's my best friend, leader,
   encourager, but most important is that he continually points me to the truth of
   the Word. I tend to lose focus when my emotions take a front seat in
   certain situations, but he consistently points me back to Christ and the truth
   of His Word (even when I don't like it at the time).

2. In summer of 2003, I had my third overseas experience in Istanbul,
Turkey. My team spent two weeks on a college campus building relationships
with students. I wouldn't say I was "distracted" while over there, but it
was definitely a time of intercession and reflection. I would go back to
the hotel every evening and check my email, signing into Yahoo with anxious
anticipation for receiving emails from a certain someone: it was part of the
"getting to know you" season...

3. I graduated from college in May 2004 with a Bachelor of Behavioral
Sciences. I didn't rush into seminary immediately following that, but
instead stayed in my college town for a few months working and wondering where I
would be headed next.

4. I've been in Kentucky for two years!!! It's hard to believe, but I
moved here in June 2005. My boyfriend and I both moved here and began
classes at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in the fall of 2005.
I finally found a biblical counseling masters degree that actually relies on the
Word! Not only did he and I move here, but our other Texas friends
followed us a year later!

Four things that I want to try or do in the next four years:

1. 
   
   1. "Good things to come to those who wait." While everyone around
   me seems either already married, more impatient than myself, or all of the
   above, I would like to be married in the near future. I'm the silly
   girl who told him that I want to be completely surprised (and trust me, some
   days I wonder why I ever said that!) I am patient in knowing that now is
   not the time. What worth is there in being impatient for something that
   clearly has not come yet for reasons known to the Lord? The day
   will come when it comes, and until then, I'm enjoying my best
   friend~

2. Graduate from Southern with a Master
of Divinity in
Biblical
Counseling, and receiving my NANC
certification. My current school and
work
schedule limit my time to invest in extensive counseling, but I do treasure
both the studies and relationships I have been given during this
season.

3. Pending marriage (yes, let's not put the cart before the horse
here), I would like to have at least one child biologically. While there
are concerns that accompany tuberous sclerosis, and I am in favor of genetic
counseling, I would like to have that experience. I have realized more
than ever during these past few years just how fragile life is, and how the most
minute details of life are completely in the Lord's hands. If He wills it
so, I would love the experience of carrying my own child.

4. I would like to live in a HOUSE! While I am thankful for
where I live and
the low expenses that come with my apartment, I would love to
have a house
at some point, whether buying or renting. There is something
much more
personal about a house than sharing walls and floors with other
people.

I am tagging the following bloggy-friends:

1. Gret-Reads-247
2. You Little O Wife
3. I'd Rather Laugh than Cry
4. B-Michael
5. Colorado Dreaming
   

"To learn Christ, this is life!"

I read the last page of Stepping Heavenward over the weekend, and I have yet to narrow my thoughts down to a concise recollection of why this book is now on my list of favorites. However, I seem incapable of further prolonging an entry dedicated to this particular novel. The little paperback is currently sitting atop a new journal at my bedside. My approach and purpose for writing, for filling those empty pages, has been renewed by reading Elizabeth Prentiss' dear little novel. A novel! The journal entries penned by "Katy" seemed so true to life, I oftentimes felt I was reading the confessions and insights of a very near and dear friend. Not only was I moved to tears in reading of conversion, sweet moments of the Lord's presence during the darkest of hours, the patience and sanctification lived out between husband and wife, but I was also offended. I was offended by some of "Katy's" thoughts and attitude toward individuals and events in her life. And just when my jaw would drop at such candid outbursts, I was immediately brought to humility at the reality that these particular journal entries were the very ones with which I can most often resonate. Because of this, I was moved as I read of "Katy" questioning the Lord's hand only to later see that He was working in every detail of those events which brought her to her knees. All this to say, I was moved by this little book in ways I have rarely, if ever, experienced.

• “You would not speak so kindly if you knew what a dreadful creature I am. I am angry with myself, and angry with everybody, and angry with God. I can’t be good two minutes at a time. I do everything I do not want to do, and do nothing I try and pray to do. Everybody plagues me and tempts me. And God does not answer any of my prayers, and I am just desperate.” p.38 ("Katy" in her youth)

• "'You may be sure of it,' he said solemnly. 'I, His minister, bring the gospel to you today. Go home and say over and over to yourself, I am a wayward foolish child. But he loves me! I have disobeyed and grieved Him ten thousand times over. But He loves me! I have lost faith in some of my dearest friends and am very desolate. But He loves me!’ I came away, and all the way home I fought this battle with myself, saying, 'He loves me!' I knelt down to pray, and all my wasted, childish, wicked life came and stared me in the face. I looked at it and said with tears of joy, 'But He loves me!' Never in my life did I feel so rested, so quieted, so sorrowful, and yet so satisfied.” p. 38-39 (conversation between "Katy" and "Dr. Cabot")

• "'And I am so astonished that we are restless under His unerring hand! Think how He has dealt with me. My soul was sick unto death, sick with worldliness, and self-pleasing and folly. There was only one way of making me listen to reason, and that was just the way He took. He snatched me right out of the world and shut me up in one room, crippled, helpless, and alone, and set me to thinking, thinking, thinking till I saw the emptiness and shallowness of all in which I had hitherto been involved'...I was glad to be alone, to walk my room singing praises to him for every instance in which, as my Physician, He had disappointed my hope and defeated my joy, and given me to drink of the cup of sorrow and bereavement." p. 244-45 (conversation between "Katy" and "Helen")

• “Mother says we ought to study God’s providence more than we do, since He has a meaning and a purpose in everything He does. Sometimes I can do this and find it a source of great happiness. Then worldly cares seem mere worldly cares, and I forget that His wise, kind hand is in every one of them.”p. 216