the R&R was just in time

As Monday morning is quickly approaching, I cannot help but reflect on how good of a weekend this was. Not only was it a time for rest before finals week, but I also had the wonderful opportunity to spend time with girls I had not previously gotten to know. Friday night was spent making cookies and chatting for what ended up being four hours with an extremely encouraging and insightful woman I have received glimpses of from her blog since we rarely pass each other on campus. While it is somewhat unfortunate that we have not spent time together until just now, I was strongly encouraged by a woman who challenges me in certain ways and is quite like-minded in others~

On Saturday, my beloved Gretchen had a spa party planned. Due to pending exams, I was not sure if I would be able to attend but decided otherwise at the last minute. Oh, am I glad I was able to be there (even if the time was brief)!! A friend of Gretchen's brought BeautiControl products and treated us to an evening of hand creams, foot cream that smelled like rainwater and pina coladas, and microdermabrasion (still don't know how to spell that one). You can see that Gretchen was thoroughly enjoying the special treatment~

I also had the opportunity to laugh about blue cupcakes with a two girls who also attended the spa party. We had such a good time, and I am always encouraged when meeting other women from school who share in the simple joys of hanging out together~

Since I didn't stay for the entire evening, Gretchen gave me the thoroughly enjoyable task of taking pictures with her camera. Haha... yes, I have been nice to the ladies in posting some of the better pictures on here. All in all, it was a fun time complete with strawbery shortcakes - compliments of Gretchen. Thanks to these silly girls, I will never look at blue cupcakes the same, nor will I be able to listen to a "relaxation" CD again and take it seriously~

My boyfriend also treated me to a Saturday matinee at the IMAX theater to see "Spiderman 3." Not that those are my absolute favorite movies, but the enjoyment of being able to spend a relaxed Saturday afternoon with him was unmatched. In a nutshell, the weekend was spent thanking the Lord for the sweet and simple blessings that could otherwise so easily go unnoticed.

preparing for us an eternal weight of glory...

Has it really been a year? Just over a year since I wrote about my diagnosis? This semester has gone by so quickly, I had not given myself time to pause and realize that my annual MRI and trip to the Tuberous Sclerosis Clinic are just around the corner. The MRI is scheduled for May 9th, and I will be heading to Cincinnati in June for my annual appointment at the clinic. I was just reading in my journal last night, flipping backwards to some of the things I wrote this past year, and I was reminded of the night my dermatologist called and told me what the results of my CT scan were. I remember the exact spot where I sat on my couch - sitting there with no noise from the TV, just myself in the quiet watches of the night. I remember the sweet presence of the Lord in the room that night, words of assurance and comfort like water washing over my soul. How near He is when we find ourselves in a valley.

This year is somewhat different from last year. Not only am I just having an MRI (rather than that in addition to CT scans), but I know what to expect now. I was nervous during that MRI since it was my first, and because I knew that such a test was ordered because the CT scan had confirmed that there was something in my brain. Yes, this year is different. The tests last year confirmed that there is something to keep watch on, and this year's test will determine if that tuber has grown. As somewhat of a preparation for the weeks ahead, I picked up a book which, unfortunately, was neglected for the better part of this semester. Last night before bed, I came across a rather comforting statement, one that rings true in particular seasons such as this:

"These griefs have been God's gifts. For only by such
severe suffering has my loving Father broken me free of some of my deeper
idolatries. In the nights' watches, while others sleep, my wakeful heart
must find rest in Him or it will find no rest at all. . . . 'When I am
afraid I put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust;
I shall not be afraid' (Ps. 56)." ~M.R. Talbot

"Thunder's Pretty!"

You haven't officially lived in Louisville until you've attended Thunder. Some may disagree, but I have now been twice and can attest that it truly is a must see. People come out of the woodwork, flooding Waterfront Park (and any other nooks and crannys where they can find a spot), and pulling out the sunblock, blankets and cameras. The month of April is all about the Kentucky Derby, and Thunder Over Louisville always comes the weekend before Derby Day. My boyfriend is absolutely giddy over fireworks, and I am now much more a fan than I thought I was! The day also would not have been complete without a turkey leg and funnel cake. We didn't arrive until much later last year, and it took two hours to get home from downtown. This year was more enjoyable since we got there in time for the air show, and also managed to bring some fellow Texans along for SUCH a fun day.

We had THE best spot on the Riverfront!! It was worth it after all to spend 45 minutes wading through the mass of people. (Me, Bob, and Gina who was visiting from Dallas)

There is an INCREDIBLE airshow leading up to the official countdown to Thunder. This is a glimpse of just how perfect of a day it really was, complete with a beautiful sunset.

The 3rd Street Bridge













--ALL PICTURES COMPLIMENTS OF ANDREW CASE, THE MAN BEHIND THE CAMERA--

the art of MADLIBS

Once upon a time there was
a level toenail named Zimbabwe.

She walked out to the allowance one morning and saw a temperature
jumping around in the acorn.

She threw up her
hands and yelled Yowsers!!!

Mr. UPS heard her greeting
card and came to rescue her from sure cavity.

When he came to her, she looked at his Christmas cactus and said Idiot!

He erased and said Sup?

He whisked her away to the notepad and as they were leaving on his ice
cream she exclaimed what?!?!

(MADLIB by me - words by Amber)

There once was a puppy who always wanted to be
named Sassafras and to forge with an unbelievable family. One day, a squirrely boy took him home and gave him yummy food to grovel and all attention his heart could desire! The boy
even gave him a name: Humperdink, but he usually just called
him, “Hey, sneezy Yarn!”

When the postal
service brought the nacho cheese, the puppy learned to blast at the mailman. When a storm would come, the boy
would whisper dandelions in the puppy’s ears. When the
boy would eat dinner, he would wobble a bit of wiggleworm to the puppy. This was the life only a kooky puppy could dream of!

(MADLIB by Amber - words by me)

Evidence of how exciting my Friday afternoon has been. Amber and I (don't know what I'd do without her on afternoons like this!) decided to give each other our own, made up MADLIBS. I remembered a time when I was visiting her in Louisiana, back in the days of our childhood, and we spent HOURS doing MADLIBS together. So, here's to a silly Friday afternoon at work and yes, you can call me the dork that I am!

The Year of the Quarter

(satisfied and full after a wonderful dinner at P.F. Chang's)

...century that is. Yes, for those of
you who haven't known me since I was a scrawny, loud (still am), spastic afro
puff, yesterday was my 25th birthday. I had every intention of posting an entry
yesterday, but by the time I sat down at the computer, it was my bedtime. PandaMom asked
me last night if it was weird as I was considering the fact that SHE was 25
when we met. She was 25 and I was 14...yes, weird. It seems like just yesterday,
too, that I posted my thoughts from my 24th birthday last
year as the Fall 2006
semester of school was approaching.

(Bob didn't want a picture on his birthday, April 10, so I took one for him)

Last year came with the realization that
I was no longer a college student; my perspectives were drastically changing and
the Lord was opening my eyes to things I had not previously considered.
This year has come with the realization that I really am an adult. Some of
you may snicker at the statement, but I am going to guess that I am not the only
one who has spent time reflecting on such a reality. I really am an adult
now. Some aspects from the past seem as though I just lived them
yesterday, and others seem more like distant dreams of which I have rather faint
and less frequent recollections. I struggle to write out a thorough
summation of the thoughts that have gone through my mind since yesterday
morning, but there is one thing I have neither difficulty nor hesitation
pointing out--

(how completely undeserving, overwhelmed, and thankful I am)

The Lord is good and He is
faithful. I have realized all the more this year how my life, and how He
has worked therein, is so much more evidence of His grace than I ever give Him
credit for. I think of my imperfect being, my imperfect family, my
imperfect friends, and cannot help but cry out thanks for how He so intricately
works in the lives of His people. How often I miss His continuous work and
steadfast love for us who are at His mercy--and He IS merciful! I am
wicked, and I can see the many ways in which I have failed to honor my parents
and miserably fallen short of being a good friend to those who know me
best. But in spite of my sin, He called ME, the sinful person I am, into
His marvelous light. I did not choose to walk out of the darkness and into
His light--a dead person can't make himself alive. But God, through the
blood of Jesus Christ, has called me His own. He has given me a new name,
a new heart, and new life. This is the one thing I am sure of and where I
find rest. All secondary issues in this life pale in comparison to the
realization that He has given me the very breath that keeps me going.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. . . . My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. ~Psalm 63:3,8

Oh To See The Dawn (The Power Of The Cross)

Need of Jesus

I was a stranger, an outcast, a slave, a rebel,

but thy cross has brought me near,

• has softened my heart,

has made me thy Father’s child,

has admitted me to thy family,

has made me joint-heir with thyself.

O that I may love thee as thou lovest me,

that I may walk worthy of thee, my Lord,

that I may reflect the image of heaven’s first-born.

May I always see thy beauty with the clear eye of faith,

and feel the power of thy Spirit in my heart,

for unless he move mightily in me

no inward fire will be kindled.

~Valley of Vision, "Need of Jesus"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have several books sitting on my nightstand with the intention of serving as rich, devotional reads either as I am waking up in the morning or just about to close my eyes before falling asleep. Just how good are my best intentions when I am not following through day after day after day? Countless mornings and evenings seem spent with the same passing thought, "I should definitely read that tonight." A fellow book-lover and friend gave me the gift of Valley of Vision awhile ago, and I have opened the pages to a specific prayer on occasional nights. There are divisions in the book, directing the reader to a specific topics and correlating prayers. I climbed into bed this past Friday night and happened upon "Need of Jesus." After days and weeks of kicking myself in the pants, this Puritan prayer resonated deep within my spirit. I am an undisciplined, doubtful, untrusting, hesitant, feeble woman who regularly acknowledges these things about myself, but I fail to regularly turn to the One who has redeemed me and called me His Bride. He is the One who gives repentance and turns my affections toward Himself, and He loves me! How can I love Him and love others when I hesitate to receive His love for me?? This Puritan prayer speaks the words of my own heart, words I utter much less eloquently.

kindred spirits reunite

Anne Shirley of Green Gables frequently referred to her bosom friend, Diana Berry, as her kindred spirit. While they were from two completely different walks of life, not only prior to meeting but also during the course of their friendship, their hearts connected from the moment they met. Kindred spirit...well, neither the dictionary nor Wikipedia do the term justice, so when I want to be reminded of what the endearing title encapsulates, I simply pull one of my treasured, tattered Anne books from the shelf.







The Lord graciously provided the means for my own kindred spirit to pay a brief visit this past week. Amber Shae and I have been friends since the age of five, and only attended school together for one year. Not that we are identical to the Misses Anne Shirley and Diana Berry (i.e. I'm not an orphan, and Amber doesn't have money out the wazzoo), but I am still reminded of some sweet parallels in our friendship. We do come from completely different backgrounds with completely different family situations, life-happenings, and we are currently in different seasons of life. I occasionally look ahead, wondering when I will ever be finished with school (don't get me wrong - I love it!), while Amber's husband is graduating in a matter of months just days after their first baby is expected to arrive. Amber has always been slow to speak, gracious and courteous in her approach and hospitality toward others, and seems to illustrate that which the New Testament refers to as a "gentle and quiet spirit." I, on the other hand, well... I'm still learning.

Amber and her husband took a whirlwind trip to Louisiana this past weekend for back-to-back baby showers with family and friends. Upon returning home, they stayed one night with me before driving the additional miles. We ate dinner together, then woke up the next morning to a breathtaking scene of sunshine, light breeze, flowers blossoming, and birds chirping. I took them up to the seminary for a tour and lunch in the cafe'. We didn't leave before stopping by and introducing Amber to Gretchen, as she had been curious about this friend I have met and grown to love in recent months. Amber and Greg left soon after lunch, and I was honestly a little saddened as they pulled away. Long-distance friendships can be somewhat bittersweet. While Amber and I literally talk everyday (thanks to the makers of Yahoo Messenger!), there is something to receiving a warm hug from a friend you haven't seen in over four years. Who knows when I will see this kindred spirit in person again, but one thing I know for sure -- the Lord has been gracious in keeping our friendship over these years, and while we have never lived in close proximity to one another, He has ordained our lives in such a way that our bond has remained. Thank You, Father, for such sweet gifts~

An exhortation I needed to read...

...and one that was of great encouragement. Every believer, whether honest with others or not, struggles with besetting sin(s).

During a recent browse of the blogs, I came across an entry written by Carolyn McCulley which compelled me to stop everything I was doing and reflect on the "shadow-boxing" I tend to exhaust myself with on a regular basis when it comes to familiar, recurring sins. McCulley's reflection is very appropriately entitled "Shadow Boxing with Sin and Laziness," and I hope you are just as encouraged (and maybe even put in your place, if necessary) as I have been...

Every accountability group has one--that person who is always bringing up
the same issue time and time again without much progress. In my small group, I'm
that person. But I bet if you asked a few other people in that same group, they
would say they are that person.
We all are, in fact. Change is not easy.
Some patterns in our lives are seemingly corrected overnight. Others have deep
roots, which appear to be connected to far more issues than we would have
initially discerned. So we dig, to see if we can get at those roots. Or maybe we
are just digging ourselves deeper into familiar ruts of sin and temptation.
Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. Last week, in my caregroup's
women's meeting, we talked about those areas of chronic defeat. We could have
come up with another "plan for success" drawn on human wisdom, but instead we
looked at how we fell short of asking God for help. Each of us realized that
with some of these long-standing temptations, we weren't even pausing to do
battle. We would see or experience the temptation and just fall down. We
wouldn't even try to resist. Oh, sure, in the past we had sought counsel or
enrolled in courses or read the leading books on whatever we wanted to change,
but right now we weren't availing ourselves of the mightest weapon in our
arsenal: the grace of God. Whether the temptation was another cookie, another
hour of watching TV, or another angry response, we were giving in and finding
ourselves deeper in the well-worn ruts. So we decided that for the next two
weeks, we would simply concentrate on resisting temptation by asking God to help
us to change. . .

"Do you not know that in a race
all the runners compete, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may
obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to
receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly;
I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under
control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified" (1
Corin 9:24ff). . .

What this looks like can vary a bit from person to
person, but this passage teaches us three important things: 1) We must live
purposefully, 2) We must live humbly ("Humility demands we examine the idol
feasts in our lives."), 3) We must live dependently.

He promises to give
grace, to give an avenue of escape, and to give the power to endure so that the
temptation will not overwhelm us. If we don't depend on His faithfulness in these
areas, we will give up. . . This passage provides such sweet hope to us
shadow-boxers, doesn't it? For all those areas in our lives where we are only
making half-hearted efforts to grow and change, where we are beating the air and
running aimlessly, there is a way of escape and the power to truly change!

Return to the World of Blogging ~ Part Two

Yes, for my faithful blog readers, I am still alive - and, no, things haven't slowed down yet! I just happened to have a few seconds here at work to breathe and write a brief update. I've had these pictures sitting on my camera for over two weeks now, and I finally sat down last night for a break from my counseling paper to get them on my computer at home.

Nali and Maia had guests a couple of weeks ago. My boyfriend's parents came in town, but not before a quick trip to the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville. They couldn't come visit without bringing a little something for the girls, so as you can see, the pups are sporting rather stylish bandanas straight from the land of country music. While the pictures in the previous post may lead you to think otherwise, I didn't go on a safari and I'm not "Lord of the Wildlife" as someone affectionately noted... heehee. We took his family to the Louisville Zoo, which was exciting for us since neither of us had been before. I must say that I'm enjoying this whole digital camera thing more and more!

While our visit with his family was far too brief, it was still a nice visit. I have become very close to his family these past four years, especially his mom, so any time spent with them is wonderful and treasured. After having a rough past several months, I was glad they were able to come up even if it was just for the two days they were here.

Then, after just a few days, another very special guest arrived at my house! That's right, my best friend came to visit for the first time since I moved here two years ago. She flew into Indianapolis, and we met halfway in Seymour, Indiana (note: a MAJOR outlet mall hub!). Although it was yet another brief weekend, I was still so encouraged and refreshed by her visit. The weekend was fairly low-key, as we were just content being able to spend some extended time together at all. We did some eating out, some walking up and down Frankfort Avenue sipping mochas and checking out various little consignment shops (yes, Gretchen, we need to take a stroll down there soon - some VERY cute shops!). We ate lunch that Saturday at this little Greek gyro place while watching the pubs start filling up with people for St. Patrick's Day (if you've never been to Louisville, these people like to celebrate). We were going to go out for dinner that Saturday night with my boyfriend, but decided to stay in instead. She had never seen me cook before (Ha!), so she was eager to observe my ways in the kitchen as I made homemade soup. We ended the weekend Sunday morning with a 30-minute detour to the airport - she learned very quickly why Louisville could really benefit from access roads when one accident completely shuts down the two major highways in the city...

All this to say, I had two wonderful weekends with some of the most treasured people in my life. Although my school schedule was put on hold, and I spent several days catching up with work, I was refreshed and thankful for the back-to-back weekends. I realized, as a friend of mine has written about a few times, just how good it is for us to be known by people. You get so used to knowing people around you to a certain level, and all the while there is something inside that makes you want those deeper friendships. It really makes you treasure those near and dear friends all the more when the Lord reminds you of His goodness in giving you such relationships. I can't be best friends with everyone, and I am humbled by those who really know me - quirks and all - and still call me friend.

Return to the World of Blogging ~ Part One

A Little Girl's Life

The family situation has been somewhat rocky and uncertain for several years now, particularly since that unforgettable phone call when my brother broke the news that his girlfriend was having a baby. Now, seven years later, I have a stunningly beautiful and bright niece whom I often wish I could see most now living so far away from Dallas/Fort Worth. As with most circumstances as this, things have not gone particularly well for my brother. He has not yet received any kind of custody rights for Isabelle, and although he has somewhat tried to consistently pay his part of child support, he is pretty dependent on his ex-girlfriend as to how often he gets to see his daughter. Recent news and events have led to a huge decision for my brother to make, and really for the entire family involved. His ex-girlfriend also has a daughter with another ex-boyfriend, Isabelle's 3-year-old half-sister. He spoke with my dad recently, informing him that he had made the decision to go to court and receive full custody of his daughter. We have all seen evidence for years now of the manner in which she raises her daughters, and I would not be crossing a line here to say that it definitely falls into the category of unacceptable. We were not surprised in the least when he told my dad of his decision. But now, apart from him and his daughter, my brother is now faced with a very real, very sobering question: what is going to happen with Isabelle? Even if it is a long shot, my brother COULD make some drastic changes in his life in order to prepare himself and a home for raising Isabelle himself. There are so many questions running through his head right now, he is rather overwhelmed with what is at stake. This other man is not responsible for Isabelle--not that he doesn't care for her, but she is not his. Apart from my brother's ex-girlfriend, we are Isabelle's family, and my brother now has a responsibility. Clearly, if the courts agree that she is an unfit mother, then something must be done with Isabelle. So, what will that be? The question is still open-ended at this point...

What is my role in all of this? Not just as a concerned aunt, but as one committed to the mandates set forth in the Word of God, what is my role as one speaking truth to my family? While talking to my brother on the phone last night, I found myself running through these questions and realizing that I don't know the answers to them at this point. This is one of those moments when you realize the weight of such circumstances, and the Lord presents you with the truth of His Word--especially in regard to anxiety and faithful intercession. The principles, admonishments, commands, and encouragement are set forth in Scripture, but how does this look practically? What is my responsibility, and how will my speaking the truth of the Gospel to my niece, to my brother, to my entire family look from 800 miles away?

I rest only in His perfect peace and in knowing that nothing is impossible apart from Him.

You keep watching the rain come
down~
Pretty princess, broken crown~
And your dreams have all burned out~
But don't you know that they
brought you
here somehow~ all you need to know
is....
You're home, where secrets are told~
See a new world unfolding~
Where hearts are one, the pain's
undone~
And your finally
belonging~
you need to know you're home~
So take your coat off and stay
awhile~
What made you cry can make you
smile again~
You can hold your head up high~
Cause don't you know that you
oh, girl you were born to fly
When you realize.......
You're home~ where secrets are told~
See a new world unfolding~
Where hearts are one, the pain's
undone~
And your finally belonging~
And you need to know you're
home
~N.Grant~

Christians should be the most content, most satisfied people in the world - right? As we look upon and walk in this fallen world, the slavery and entangling of sin is evident. The Lord has mercifully chosen us before the foundation of the world as His children, and in that, we are free from the sting of death and slavery to sin. So...why do we not consistently live as those are truly without want, as those who find their only and ultimate satisfaction in the Lord Jesus Christ? If this is the true happiness, then why am I not so content on a daily basis?

Well, it could be because I look to the things of God rather than to the Provider Himself who has given such gifts. Maybe it's because I strive to achieve perfection--in the various areas of school, work, and structured schedule--masked by claiming that I just want to be a good steward. Maybe it's because I look in the mirror at a young woman who just never quite measures up, while writing in my journal--and in words of encouragement to others--that we were meticulously created in His image and according to His sovereign plan. These confessions have been on my heart for several days, and rather than continuing to dwell on them to seemingly no end, I sat in my bed a couple of nights ago before turning the light out and wrote out these things. I spend so much time each day reading for my classes, and realized that I spend minimal time reading devotionally. This includes meditating on the Word for non-academic purposes and reading something from a strong, yet humble author who articulates the truths of God both beautifully and precisely. So rather than cram in the last few pages of a book for class, I opened to the first page of Dr. John Piper's God is the Gospel: Meditations on God's Love as the Gift of Himself. Below are the quotes I've taken from the pages, as well as the Scripture references which pertain to such a life-giving, thirst-quenching, soul-satisfying truth.

• "If the enjoyment of God Himself is not the final and best gift of love, then God is not the greatest treasure, His self-giving is not the highest mercy, the Gospel is not the good news that sinners may enjoy their Maker, Christ did not suffer to bring us to God, and our soul must look beyond Him for satisfaction. . . if His love for us is at bottom His making much of us, who is really being praised? We are willing to be God-centered, it seems, as long as God is man-centered. We are willing to boast in the cross as long as the cross is a witness to our worth. Who then is our pride and joy?" p.12-13
• "How do we understand the Gospel and the love of God? Have we shifted with the world from God's love as the gift of Himself to God's love as the gift of a mirror in which we like what we see?" p.15
• Psalm 70:4 - May all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You! May those who love Your salvation say evermore, "God is great!"
• 2 Corinthians 4:4-6 - In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

Think on these things.

Selah

"I can be nothing but that grace adorns me."

Yesterday was rather rough. The majority of the day was just fine, nothing particularly bad or stressful to set the stage for the rest of the evening. However, it quickly snowballed into an evening I could have done without. Many who know me, particularly those who have known me since my adolescence (which at times still feels like it was two days ago) know that I am one to carry much more on my shoulders than I should, or than is necessary. When it comes to certain people, I will let guilt trips set in, and as a my boyfriend put it nicely last night, I sometimes have "punching bag" written across my forehead. Some of those people know that I've let myself be in such a position with my family in particular, but also with certain other individuals who may have crossed my path and some point. Here recently, there is an individual who has started communicating with me in such a way; regardless of the ways I have tried reaching out to her, she is quite unpredictable when it comes to being either warm and friendly or distant and cold. A few subtle, passing comments were tossed my way at different times yesterday, words laced with an underlying hint of bitterness and self-centeredness. After having these tossed at me a couple of times, I finally just broke down. Rather than boldly confronting her right then and there, I caved and took the brunt of her words. It was raining last night, and to help my mood all the more, I unknowingly stepped in a present my puppy had left in the front yard. So there I was, sitting in the bathroom after all of this, crying and wiping the mess off of my shoes. Not only had she pushed me to the point of being upset, but I had failed in confronting her with my concerns. My boyfriend happened to be over with another friend of ours, and he came into the bathroom to see what was wrong. After hearing me blubber through my frustrations, he very lovingly rebuked me. Yes, it was wrong for her treat me in such a way, but I had also failed to respond to her in the way I should have and knew I should have. It reminded me of all the times I carried unnecessary weight from certain individuals in my family, and rather than standing up for what is good and true, I retreated to my bedroom. To an extent, there was probably little I could have done in my youth, but I still never at least did what I could. So some of those familiar tears and frustrations with myself came flooding back during all of this last night.

~

Of all the instances that could have turned a difficult night into one of encouragement, there were two which the Lord pretty obviously set in place. For one thing, my boyfriend was very honest and gracious in his words, but also harsh when he was telling me the truth of the situation. And let's be really candid here--I need brutal honesty sometimes, and last night in the bathroom was one of those times. It was one of those key moments in which the Lord showed me a measure of His grace when He didn't have to. He didn't have to bless my life, bring me encouragement during times when my own sinful responses are exposed, but He did. And He does so everyday--oh, how often I miss it and go about without a thankful heart.

Even before the breakdown, I was blessed with a rather unexpected surprise. My dear friend Gretchen suddenly stopped by my apartment on her way to the grocery store. She came by with the most thoughtful gift I could have imagined--a copy of Valley of Vision. Not only had she bought herself a copy, but she intentionally purchased one for me with the hopes that we could read through some of the prayers and petitions therein together. I really almost started crying, and in fact, had the setting been a little different (standing in the entryway of my apartment with the dogs trying to knock us over), I probably would have responded much more emotionally than I did. I am overwhelmed by the grace given through friends sometimes. What made the gift funny was that I had just been thinking of buying the book yesterday as well, and I DID just minutes before Gretchen. I had even looked for her when I initially went into the bookstore, but forgot that she was working in the back. So when she showed up at my doorstep with something so meaningful, I was almost speechless at the goodness of the Lord shown through such dear kindred spirits. As I was going to sleep last night, after the priceless gift, after the harsh comments I was dealt, after having to endure the surprise on my shoe, after crying all over myself, after hearing the words of truth from my boyfriend, I put my head down on the pillow and was thankful. I asked the Lord's forgiveness for the ways in which I had sinned, the thoughts that were reactionary rather than edifying, and I was thankful. He is good and His mercy endures forever. How easy it is to sing or speak these, yet how unfathomable they really are.

Give me a deeper trust,
that I may lose myself to find myself in Thee, the ground of my rest, the spring
of my being. Give me a deeper knowledge of Thyself as saviour, master, lord, and
king. Give me deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in Thy Word, more
steadfast grip on its truth. Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action,
and let me not seek moral virtue apart from Thee.
Plough deep in me, great
Lord, heavenly husbandman, that my being may be a tilled field, the roots of
grace spreading far and wide, until Thou alone art seen in me, Thy beauty golden
like summer harvest, Thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.
I have no master but
Thee, no law but Thy will, no delight but Thyself, no wealth but that Thou
givest, no good but that Thou blessest, no peace but that Thou bestowest. I am
nothing but that Thou makest me. I have nothing but that I receive from Thee. I
can be nothing but that grace adorns me.

~from Valley of Vision,
"The Deeps"~

Confession: Pretty in Pink

I had a random chat with a friend at work last week about "guilty pleasures." Don't get creeped out; we were simply talking about TV shows that we just can't help but tune into when they come on. I must say, though, that even beyond shows that I can't pass up, there is another "guilty pleasure" that I am bravely disclosing to you today. Take a relaxed Saturday afternoon, no work and no school--just you and the laundry, or whatever it may be that you are catching up on around the house. On such a day, I cannot pass up the "classic" 80s movie. Yes, that is my confession--I am drawn to teeny bopper 80s movies. This by far supercedes current TV shows I watch (mind you, I only watch a handful). Ever since I was a little girl, I've loved 80s movies, particularly those starring THE 80s sweetheart, Molly Ringwald. Hated "The Breakfast Club", but loved "Pretty in Pink" and "Sixteen Candles," although most of my friends hadn't even heard of such flicks until I introduced them. (Such introductions I am not necessarily proud of--"Hey Mom, J- invited me over to watch 'Dirty Dancing,' can I go?" I never could understand why their parents said No! Yeah, I don't pride myself in such things.)

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Keep in mind that I was still in diapers when these movies came out, but I have still been drawn to them about as far back as I remember. What dramatic little dreamer wouldn't love a good 80s flick full of drama? And if you've never watched such a movie, trust me--DRAMA. As fun as it is for me to sit on my couch on a Saturday such as this, I can't help but think of something while I'm watching Molly Ringwald weep over the rich kid she's both in love with and devastated by, ripping up a friends' prom dress to make her own polka-dotted...thing (odd dress, watch the movie). Do you know what it is I am thinking of while watching such a movie, one that I've loved for years? The real thing is so much better! I look at my own love story and those of my dear friends, and can't help but see the cheapness of the Lifetime Channel love stories (yes, I have cable). When I am putting my head down to rest at night, or writing in my journal, there is so much more to that love which is a GIFT from the Lord than a silly 80s flick could ever capture. It's not drama I am consumed with, but real and true love. And it doesn't consume me in a way that would move me to make a pink thing called a dress to try and prove myself to some guy at the senior prom. (Hopefully you get my point with that last statement.) Praise the Lord for His grace because I can look back and see some pretty ridiculous stunts I either did do or could've done when I was in high school (no, I am not going to disclose some of those stunts on this kind of platform. If you know me, you know the silliness). But, no, He is good and He is faithful to those who wait patiently for Him. My love story is not defined by "feelings" and butterflies and trying to prove myself to someone in order to win their affections. No, the one the Lord has authored for my life is defined by patience, bearing one another's burdens, speaking truth to one another even when it stings, looking into the eyes of one the Lord is obviously ordained as an instrument in my life. How much better that is than the weepy, Molly Ringwald-starring sob stories...

this undeserved mercy

but go on and take My picture,

go on and make Me up

I’ll still be your Defender,

you’ll be My missing son

and I’ll send out an army

just to bring you back to Me

because regardless of your brother’s lies

you will be set free

~~~~
I am My beloved's

and My beloved’s mine

so you bring all your history

and I’ll bring the bread and wine

and we’ll have us a party

where all the drinks are on Me

then as surely as the rising sun

you will be set free

~derek webb, from the album She Must and Shall Go Free~

Whoonu?

How often do you cross paths with individuals who seem to be sincere answers to prayer? It isn't something that occurs on a regular basis. How many friends have I known who can testify to the feeling of moving somewhere new and not having those friends around who really know you? Or, in comparison to my own experience, how often are you in a setting where the weight of nobody really knowing you seems to never lift from your shoulders? I don't ask such questions as someone who has been in despair over such things, but I can say that I have experienced that loneliness on occasion for almost two years. I had resolved to accept that I wasn't known, really known, by anyone here. I know plenty of wonderful, encouraging women, but I have never gone beyond mere acquaintance and frequent hugs with them, aside from some of the older women at my church. I confess that I have been somewhat lonely for a kindred spirit in close proximity. Those who know me best, aside from my wonderful boyfriend, live hundreds of miles away, whereas there are no friends here with whom I have the freedom of candidness and digging deep into conversation. However, the Lord has been my steadfast Sustainer. On those nights when I could have really used an evening with a dear friend at a coffee shop, or sitting on my couch watching a girly movie, He has been near. He has also blessed me with an encouraging boyfriend who knows me enough to know when I'm lonely for the "girl talks."
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If you read my recent post, you will know that I am thankful for this clever outlet of communication called blogging. It has provided a creative way of staying in touch with the best of friends, and has also been a door to meeting the new acquaintances. I met Gretchen a couple of months ago after she came across my blog and left a comment. Time quickly told of our similarities, whether in books, opinions, or deep convictions. Gret and her husband were moving to Louisville soon, so we made it a point to meet up when they made their first trek down to get some moving details taken care of. Then, just a few days after they officially moved, I invited them over for some Texas-style chili (sorry, no pictures). We had SUCH a good time simply getting to know each other over bowls of chili and cornbread. I quickly sensed the humor and like-mindedness between them and my boyfriend and I. After such a nice evening, we made immediate plans to meet for dinner at their apartment just a short week later. Therefore, I present to you pictures from Saturday night!
I know that there is still plenty of "getting to know you" left, but I also know that I have met a kindred spirit after all. You can tell quite a bit about someone by the things they share with the world on a blog, and I was definitely in anticipation upon meeting Gretchen. In a nutshell that doesn't remotely do my joy justice, I have been so encouraged in recent weeks. How refreshing (and relieving on some days) it is to have a dear friend with whom you can share both joys and frustrations without feeling like you have to hold back. At this point in time, my prayer is simple: that I hope to somehow given in return the honesty, genuine opinion on both big and "small" matters, and joy that I have seen in my new friend.

Soup n' Snow!

In celebration of both the pending snow and this adorable little man, my boyfriend and I ate dinner at our friends' house. Bob and Dan have been best friends since college, and Eryn just graduated from PT school in Abilene. Bob and I have thoroughly enjoyed having friends here in Louisville with whom we can share both new and old memories. They've had Jackie, the big sister, for a couple of years now and have been wanting to find a little brother for her. Last week, they brought Otto home, and he definitely had everyone's attention!

Jackie strongly disapproved of a dog she saw on TV...

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Meet the chefs! Bob and Dan slaved away in the kitchen for a couple of hours. While Eryn was supervising Otto, I asisted the men in the kitchen. And what did I make, you ask?

THESE! I made THESE!

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Bob made this incredible homemade baked potato soup! Dan and Eryn have invited us for dinner on several occasions, so we decided we would return the favor. With my delicious bisquits and his divine soup, we had ourselves one tasty dinner! I love that we can get together with good friends, friends who have come with us from Texas to Louisville for that matter, and do such things as eat and drink in fellowship with each other. Forget events scheduled on the calendar--nothing beats randomly celebrating the first snow and getting together with friends for an evening of soup, bisquits, and doggies. (Forgot to take pics of the cheesecake--that wasn't homemade.)

Snow the Next Morning

from my bedroom window
view from the livingroom

you should see this neighborhood in the fall...

Ramblings On Rather Unexpected Instruments

A few weeks ago, my pastor gave a brief word of encouragement to one of my fellow praise team members. We were gathered behind the stage as usual to pray together before the service started, and the bass player said something (I don't even remember what now) about his desk job. Pastor Ryan looked at him and very simply said, "Just think, though, of how instrumental a desk job can be for your sanctification." Those words stuck with me, and in recent days they have been resonating with me all the more. I can attest that having a desk job, particularly one that doesn't involve extensive communication with others, can become mundane and restless. There is an exhaustion from it that is difficult to pinpoint unless you have experienced it for yourself. Such exhaustion is not comparable to working in a stockroom somewhere, working the third shift at UPS, but rather a more subtle form of fatigue. One finds it easy to sink into the routine, mindless work that comes with staring at a computer screen forty hours a week.

How, then, has my job been so instrumental?

I must first provide clarification in saying that such a setting has the opportunity to be such a tool. In fact, the average "Office Space" caricature may not see such opportunity at his or her place of employment. They either settle for the mundane 8-5 or are burning the candle at both ends to receive a promotion. Settle for monotony or compete for worldy success--the standard expectations in a thriving work environment. But how often do you hear of individuals eagerly discussing with one another how the Lord has used their status as a setting for personal growth and sanctification? Here is only a brief sampling of how this desk job, this computer I have become so acquainted with, has been a significant instrument for refinement and encouragement. I arrived at work yesterday morning, both thankful for the position I have to look forward to each day, and also eagerly remembering that I have only until next week before school commences. I also approached my desk remembering that I had a few pieces of paperwork left to finalize for updating my insurance information. Such updates required that I sit down and rework my monthly budget. I looked at the expenses scribbled down on my blue notepad. It wasn't but mere minutes later that I set down my coffee cup and stared at the numbers before me wondering how in the world I was even going afford basic groceries in the months ahead. Thus began a rather familiar snowball effect... As is standard, I descended into this depressing mode of doubt and anxiety. The pattern seems to repeat itself at common times of the year, particularly when a new school semester is approaching. All things considered, I was due for a day of sobbing and doubting where I am at in life with my 25th birthday just around the corner. After a seemingly endless rest of the afternoon, I got in my car and started crying. The overwhelming anxiety had bubbled over and I just could not contain my emotions any longer. As I was pulling into a gas station (and fretting over this expense I can barely afford), a recent blog entry from an old friend came to mind. The glory is given to the Lord alone for bringing it to my attention at such a time. This friend, fellow Texan, and former East Asia team member, recently wrote his thoughts on the Christian's struggle with finances. I read it last week, thankful for such a good reminder, especially from one meager student to the other, of placing our trust solely in Him for providing every step of the way:

No job, no bank account, no riches are ever secure . . ., but the God who loves me infinitely owns "the cattle of a thousand hills." I'm not sure what the current price is for cattle, but that's pretty good money! This is no theological revelation, persay, but a very necessary process of God exposing my motives, unconcious desires, etc. I think it is so hard to trust because I haven't truly admitted that it isn't my job to provide. So I struggle with pressure to finish my degree quickly, instead of living where God has me at the moment. I struggle with the guilt of not being the
breadwinner, when neither Kristin nor I really are. And probably over all of this is that secret pride that just won't admit that I can't provide. . . He is worthy of trust, and to refuse to trust Him is one of the greatest insults we can offer Him.

As soon as this reflection came to mind, a beloved song began on the CD player in my car. "The Church" is my favorite song, and recorded by one of my favorite singer/songwriters, Derek Webb. The music and truth of the first verse filled my car,

I have come with one purpose - to capture for Myself a bride - by My life she is lovely - by My death she’s justified
I have always been her husband - though many lovers she has known - so with water I will wash her - and by My Word alone...

and I was moved to tears. The tears came not out of worry and self-pity, but rather from remorse over my own sin. There is a reason why this "snowball" is such a seasonal, patterned occurrence. My besetting sin is unbelief, while the Groom has called me by name and given me the title of Bride. My sin is worry and angst, while He continually provides and has given me the very breath that flows from this mortal body. I doubt the provision given by the One who promises that He will keep and sustain. The reality of such sin, and of my total inability to redeem or provide for myself, is all the more ugly when held up to the Truth of, "By My life she is lovely, by My death she's justified."

Reader, I hope this has given you even a brief glimpse of how beneficial such instruments can be. I am thankful for this job the Lord has given to provide for and sustain me while completing my seminary education. One only needs to see the links on my blog to observe the constant encouragement I receive on a daily basis, and such that I may not receive otherwise were the setting to change. Only the Lord could ordain events and circumstances in such a way that blogs, websites, emails, and Windows Media Player serve as instruments in refinement (necessarily brutal at times) and daily growth.